ATLANTA, GEORGIA (CT&P) – In a litany repeated over and over again ad nauseam weather cretins stationed all over the Southeast and Eastern seaboard warned angst ridden Weather Channel viewers that the physical properties of water, or H2O, changes as outside temperatures drop to around 32 degrees Fahrenheit.
“Water is downright weird,” said Weather Channel veteran reporter Jim Cantore. “As it gets cold outside, water can mysteriously change into things like sleet, ice, freezing rain, or in some conditions even snow.”
“Some of these substances, such as ice, can be very slippery to walk or drive on,” warned Cantore with a very serious look on his face. “So whatever you do, don’t leave your home if it’s cold outside. You run the risk of freezing to death on a deserted highway only a short distance from the safety of your warm crib.”
Cantore told viewers that anyone forced to travel in temperatures lower than 50 degrees should pack a survival kit and bring it along with them.
Cantore advised that the kit should contain distilled water, freeze-dried emergency rations, toilet paper, a flask of brandy attached to a St Bernard, a flare gun or “Very pistol,” space blanket, compass, signalling mirror and a three-day supply of amphetamines in order to stay alert.
Cantore also said that if you are dumb enough to leave your home during the winter months you should take along the weakest member of your family in case you run out of food and are forced to eat them to survive.
Director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Dr. Jean Lubchenco agreed with Cantore that water can be very dangerous particularly in wintertime when it is so unpredictable.
Lubchenco said that “We never know from one minute to the next what form water will take as it falls out of the sky. It often poses a threat to life and limb for those who don’t have the sense God gave a goat, so the best course for Americans is to stay inside their homes until spring.”
Dr. Lubchenco agreed with Cantore that carrying an emergency kit around in the car with you was a good idea, but stopped short of advising the public to resort to cannibalism. “Except for Florida, every state in the Union has outlawed cannibalism,” said Lubchenco, “so I don’t recommend devouring grandma except as a last resort.”
In a related story, Georgia Governor Nathan Deal held an emergency press conference late last night to assure a panic-stricken public that the state was prepared to handle anything that Mother Nature could throw at it.
Governor Deal told reporters that at enormous expense to the state, a fleet of over 300 trucks was dispensing a toxic mixture of salt, sand, and radioactive fracking compounds all over the roads of Metro Atlanta, even though temperatures were nowhere near low enough for ice to form.
“We want to err on the side of caution,” said Deal. He assured the public that the money spent contaminating the roads could be replaced by pirating funds from public school systems as is usually done for idiotic projects.
Deal told reporters that if temperatures remained above freezing as was expected, the public should be aware that water in the form of a liquid could fall from the sky making objects around Atlanta wet.
“Puddles could form on sidewalks that could damage leather shoes and whatnot,” said Deal. “The public should remain alert and aware of all the dangers associated with this substance.”
Deal also warned that those venturing out after the trucks got rolling should just drive around and stay inside their vehicles so that they would not be unnecessarily exposed to carcinogenic compounds in the sludge.
“Our health care system is already at the breaking point as it is,” said Deal. “We don’t need a rash of tumors popping up this summer.”