THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Citing as a reason the alarmingly high number of drone attacks over the fall and early winter, Anthraxia government officials announced today that the beleaguered municipality will be purchasing an air defense system from the nation of Israel.
“We felt that if we were to continue to guarantee the safety of our citizens the purchase had to be made,” said Minister of Defense Asher Wills. “Our current defense capability consists of myself, an aging terrier named Banjo, and a few rednecks walking around aimlessly with shotguns. We just cannot keep up with the high number of incoming hawks and other birds of prey we have been seeing lately.”
The drone attacks in and around the Cabin Anthrax have taken the lives of at least 11 innocent chickens who were going about their daily lives scratching the earth looking for insects and bits of wheat flavored Captain’s Wafers.
Prime Minister of Anthraxia Jerry Dickerson told reporters that the system should be in place sometime next month.
The Iron Dome air defense system currently in use in Israel has proven reliable and efficient. It is a three-piece system of interceptor batteries that shoot rockets out of the sky. A radar tracks the rocket as it is fired across the border into Israel, and then advanced software predicts the rocket’s trajectory. The information it provides is used to guide Tamir interceptor missiles, which are fired from the ground to blow the rocket into harmless pieces in the sky.
“Unfortunately we could not afford the costly “Iron Dome” system currently used by the IDF, but they have offered us a less costly variant dubbed ‘Cast Iron Dome,'” said Dickerson.
The less costly system consists of a series of Roman candles positioned around the edge of the Anthraxia compound and over 100 bottle rockets set to launch into the air and detonate at different altitudes all around the cabin complex. The projectiles are activated manually by a highly trained hillbilly observer who sits atop the roof of each cabin scanning the sky for intruders.
Since most of the citizens of Anthraxia are unemployed and have nothing better to do, it is assumed there will be not shortage of volunteers for this critical mission. Israel military advisers are due in Anthraxia next week to begin training the inarticulate and nearly illiterate defense team.
“We hope that the purchase of this system will protect our poultry from further attacks,” said Dickerson. “I can tell you from experience, there’s nothing more depressing than waking up and not having enough eggs to make an omelet. It’s a truly tragic situation.”