God Forsakes Russell Wilson, Backs Brady And Patriots In Super Bowl


PHOENIX, ARIZONA (CT&P) – Ruler of the Universe and Supreme Being the Lord Our God abruptly abandoned Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks yesterday and instead backed the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl, leading them to a 28-24 victory over the reigning champions. The fickle deity explained that his decision to allow the Patriots to win was just “a spur of the moment thing,” like a destructive earthquake or a deadly tsunami.

Jermaine Kearse

God arranged for Jermaine Kearse to make a “miracle catch” down close to the goal line so Seattle would think they had the game won, only to send in Satan to make the last play call and break their hearts. “The Scriptures are accurate,” said God. “I’m one cruel son of a bitch.”

“I just felt like letting the Patriots win,” said God. “Besides, all that groveling that went on after the NFC Championship game made me sick. I despise groveling. Wilson needs to get some sort of life and quit referring to me all the time. He has about as much knowledge of my will as he does algebra.”

God explained that he let Jermaine Kearse make a miracle catch that made the Seahawks think they had the game in the bag, only to summon Lucifer to make the final play call when the ball was only a few feet from the goal line.

“Sometimes I really enjoy toying with you know-it-all talking monkeys,” chuckled God.

The Seahawks botched their chance to become Super Bowl winners for the second year in a row when a throw was intercepted 36 inches from the end zone, but the team’s quarterback will not be brought down. Russell Wilson responded on Twitter to the many critics that have trashed the Seattle Seahawks’ last-minute decision not to rush the ball in the game-ending play as the “worst call in Super Bowl history.”


God is well-known for inspiring optimism in wretched situations, only to put his foot down and crush any hope at the last possible moment.

“At 26 years old, I won’t allow 1 play or 1 moment define my career,” Wilson tweeted Monday morning. “I will keep evolving.”

God responded to Wilson’s tweet by saying, “That’s a damn weird response from someone who does not believe in evolution.”

Head Coach Pete Carroll gave a bizarre and downright stupid explanation for the play: “It’s not the right match-up for us to run the football, so on second down, we throw the ball, really to kind of waste that play. If we score, we do. If we don’t, then we’ll run it on third and fourth down. Really, with no second thoughts or hesitation in that at all.”

Carroll continued to speak in tongues for the rest of the interview, offering no rational explanation for his actions or those of his theologian-quarterback.

None of the Seahawks personnel seemed to be aware that God had intervened to crush their hopes and send them packing back to Seattle with their tails between their legs.

When asked by reporters after the game whether he still believed that “God is too good all the time,” as he said after the miracle win over the Packers, Wilson replied, “God is really great when we win, but when we lose he is a real bastard.”



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