Nifty New Map Reveals Isolated Pockets Of Intelligence Across Bible Belt

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TUPELO, MISSISSIPPI – (CT&P) – The bigots at the American Family Association have created a handy new interactive map that may assist intelligent people traveling through the Bible Belt in finding isolated pockets of people with whom they can communicate.

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Donald Wildmon, president and founder of the AFA, told the Jackson Courier that the map was originally intended to help like-minded bigots harass progressive organizations, but the plan has backfired.

The map lists the names and locations of organizations that the AFA believes pose a dire threat to the Christian faith. The names of Atheist, Humanist, “Anti-Christian,” and “homosexual agenda” groups are listed along with their locations. Although the map is national in scope, it is mainly treated as a joke outside the South.

Donald Wildmon, president of the AFA and notorious anti-Semite, told the Jackson Courier that the map was originally designed to help “the KKK, neo-Nazi organizations, and other crazed pseudo Christian rednecks like ourselves locate the headquarters of organizations considered to be enemies of Jesus.”

“We had hoped that publicizing the organizations that don’t hold our antiquated and bigoted views would help our allies locate, harass, and beat the shit out of members of these groups, but the plan kind of backfired on us.”

It seems that instead of idiots using the site like the AFA intended, intelligent folk traveling through the South have used it as a tool to make donations and make new friends with people who are actually able to reason.

The Courier interviewed several travelers to get their take on the map.

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Stig O”Tracy told reporters that driving through the Bible Belt was like “traveling back in time to the Middle Ages,” and first time travelers should prepare for a shock.

“The map has been a lifesaver for me,” said Vince Snetterton Lewis, an intellectual from Portland, Oregon. “There just aren’t too many places in the Bible Belt where you can sit down and have an intelligent conversation. The last time I drove through the South I went from Memphis all the way to Atlanta without stopping to urinate. You never know who you’re going to run into down there.”

Stig O’Tracy, an intellectual from Los Angeles, California said, “Have you seen the fucking billboards down there? I don’t dare stop unless I check the map first. I drive a hybrid with California plates. That’s probably enough to get the death penalty in some jurisdictions.”

Wildmon said that he hopes that what he called “abuse” of the interactive map would stop after certain alterations are made.

“We plan to try to make the site accessible only to certified Christians who agree with our whacked-out ideas,” said Wildmon. “We haven’t figured that one out yet but maybe some kind of thumbprint id system could be used.”

“Once we do that, we intend on publishing the membership lists of all these groups along with home addresses and phone numbers. That way we can visit these heretics and dole out some of God’s love just like our heroes in the Spanish Inquisition did.”

 

Air Force Mothballs 18 A-10 Ground Attack Aircraft In Favor Of Plane That Can’t Fire Its Fucking Cannon

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WASHINGTON D.C. – (CT&P) – The Air Force announced yesterday that it is placing 18 A-10 Warthogs, the most feared and effective ground attack aircraft ever built, into back-up flying status in order to move the maintenance staff to work on F-35s, a high tech piece of shit that can rarely get off the ground let alone fire its weapons.

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Among the many problems plaguing the F-35 Lightning is the annoying tendency of the plane to fly upside down. The Air Force explained that this is due to a computer glitch and should be corrected around 2029

Air Force Secretary Deborah Lee James and Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Welsh have decided to move the Warthogs to back-up status “as soon as practical,” according to a notice obtained by POLITICO. That includes nine A-10s from Davis-Monthan Air Force Base in Arizona, six from Moody in Georgia and three from Nellis in Nevada.

Secretary James told POLITICO that “We need these maintenance personnel to wash the F-35’s and wax their exteriors so they will look good in photographs taken on the flight line. They rarely fly, but dirt and dust accumulates on the planes and it makes them look filthy, and we can’t have that.”

 The 2015 National Defense Authorization Act blocks the Air Force from retiring the fleet, but gives it the option to put 36 planes into back-up flying status, if the defense secretary certified the move was necessary. Chuck Hagel did so earlier this month as one his final idiotic acts before he left office.

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Air Force officials are not worried about mothballing the A-10 because they have plans to spend five billion dollars on a new British ground attack design

The venerable A-10 has been a workhorse for decades, and has proved to be a reliable and low cost ground attack aircraft that can blow the shit out of just about anything. It proved invaluable in both Gulf Wars, immolating and scattering to atoms innumerable enemy troops and jihadis alike.

The A-10 was designed around the 30 mm GAU-8 Avenger rotary cannon that is its primary armament and the heaviest-ever automatic cannon mounted on an aircraft. It also is able to carry a variety of other ordinance such as the Maverick air-to-suface missile, cluster munitions, Hydra rocket pods, and even laser guided bombs, making it “one bad motherfucker” on the battlefield.

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Air Force General Buck Turgidson explained that although the F-35 had its problems, it was a good fit for the military-industrial-idiot politician complex, and guaranteed pork barrel spending for decades to come. He told POLITICO that he hopes F-35 cost overruns won’t interfere with plans to build his pet project, the “Doomsday Machine.”

By comparison, the trillion dollar F-35 has trouble turning left, right, and flying in a straight line. Its computer systems are full of glitches that can cause the plane to fly upside down or fire its weapons without warning. It’s just as likely to target an elementary school as it is a tank or enemy aircraft. Furthermore, the flying washing machine will not be able to fire its cannon for at least five years because the Air Force it waiting on a software upgrade.

Air Force General Buck Turgidson explained that while the A-10 was a “great plane,” the F-35 costs “one hell of lot more to produce and maintain,” thus guaranteeing a ton of money flowing into Pentagon coffers for years to come.

“The F-35 Lightning may not be able to fly that well, or shoot down enemy aircraft, or support our ground troops attacking ISIS positions, but it looks cool as shit and costs a lot, and that’s enough for the numb nuts in charge of protecting this great country,” said Turgidson.

 

 

 

 

Bill O’Reilly To Viewers: “I’m Being Framed By Keyser Söze”

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Insecure horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly went berserk again last night on his Fox News show The O’Reilly Factor after more evidence surfaced that he exaggerated his personal exploits during the Falklands War. Mr. O’Reilly reportedly got so agitated that he was treated for dangerously high blood pressure shortly after the show aired.

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Unfortunately O’Reilly’s claims could not be confirmed because no one really knows what the hell Soze looks like or if he really exists.

O’Reilly has been playing defense since an article in the left-leaning magazine Mother Jones last Thursday claimed that, not unlike NBC News anchor Brian Williams, the Fox News host embellished accounts of his wartime experiences. In response to the story about O’Reilly’s reporting on the Falklands war between the U.K. and Argentina in the early 1980s, penned by Mother Jones editor David Corn, O’Reilly blasted Corn as a “liar,” a “left-wing assassin” and an “irresponsible guttersnipe.”

O’Reilly has maintained that he never said he reported from the actual war zone, in the Atlantic Ocean off Argentina’s coast, but did cover violent protests in Buenos Aires at the close of that conflict. CBS broadcast those clips at the request of O’Reilly, who featured them on his show Monday evening.

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Most decent Americans consider O’Reilly to be a giant horse’s ass.

However, that didn’t satisfy Mother Jones, which said the protest footage does not really support his claims. Nor did it convince the New York Times, which quoted former CBS News staff members who had taken issue with O’Reilly’s accounts of those protests.

What O’Reilly referred to as a “very intense situation where people got hurt,” was played down by CBS veteran Eric Engberg in the New York Times story. O’Reilly maintained the veracity of his account on Monday night’s show, pulling out additional reports that described the disputed the protest scenario that he confronted in Buenos Aires.

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O’Reilly’s pleas for help were heard in whites-only nursing homes all across the United States

O’Reilly claims that the whole situation is the result of a left-wing conspiracy against him by Keyser Söze, a Turkish criminal mastermind personally responsible for the demise of hundreds of people. O’Reilly dedicated his last segment to a desperate plea for help from his viewers.

“I know it’s Söze that’s after me,” whined O’Reilly. “No one else would dare question me. He’s enlisted the help of almost all the members of the liberal media to tarnish my good name and say that I’m lying about being a war hero.”

“Söze’s henchmen are all over the place. Liars, left wing assassins, and ‘scruffy and badly behaved children who spend most of their time in the street’ are following me everywhere,” said a sweating O’Reilly.

“You, my loyal viewers, know damn good and well I’ve never lied and have never been wrong about anything in my entire life. I’m begging you to come to my defense in my time of need.”

“I want to stop this now. I hope we can stop this. I really do,” said a tearful O’Reilly as he closed the show.

Members of the media were not impressed with O’Reilly’s pleas. David Corn of Mother Jones told the New York Times that “As a despicable guttersnipe who seeks the truth, I must and will continue to uncover the lies told by this giant bipedal penis.”

 

God Denies Having Had Any Contact With Scott Walker

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Supreme Being God (I-Palestine)

 

VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – This morning on his daily talk show Jehovah and Friends on Vatican TV, God categorically denied having had any communications with Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker for at least two decades.

“The last time I remember hearing from Scott was during exam week just before he dropped out of Marquette,” said God. “I really can’t remember what he was begging for at the time, as I was busy fielding thousands of requests concerning the basketball team, but I think it had something to do with a political science class.”

God’s remarks came after articles surfaced last week about Walker’s “close relationship with the Lord” and his propensity for letting right-wing audiences know that he carries on conversations with the Almighty on a regular basis.

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Governor Scott Walker (R-Wisconsin)

Governor Walker has never been shy about flashing his religious credentials, regularly telling audiences about the nondenominational evangelical church he attends, the Baptist preacher who raised him, and his belief that he only runs for office when “called” upon by God to do so.

His reliance on the role of the Lord in his political decision-making process goes back to his aborted college years, when in an interview published in the Marquette University yearbook, he said that “I really think there’s a reason why God put all these political thoughts in my head.”

After the governor made another reference to God “speaking to him” in a speech before bankers in January, Freedom From Religion Foundation member Edward Susterich made an open records request of his office for evidence of his communications with the Master of the Universe.

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God told Vatican TV viewers that he rarely gets involved in politics because, “No matter what I do, you talking monkeys always fuck it up.”

Susterich requested any transcripts or a copy of any communication Walker may have had with “God, the Lord, Christ, Jesus, or any other form of deity” while in office as governor of Wisconsin.

The Governor’s Office replied, officially, that it could find none, saying “pursuant to the Public Records Law, we are responding to let you know that this office does not have records responsive to your request.”

“There’s a damn good reason for that,” commented God. “It’s because I haven’t talked to the son of a bitch. He’s full of shit. Do you really think I’m gonna waste my time with an idiot who doesn’t even believe in evolution?”

“I’ve got a few more important things to do than help some numb nuts who talks to himself bust unions and attack higher education,” said God. “And I’ll tell you something else, I don’t put thoughts in people’s heads. That’s what I gave you that huge brain for, you twits.”

“If the moron wants to run for president then let him,” said the exasperated deity. “I just wish he would keep me out of it. Besides, I’ve always thought the dude was an asshole.”

 

 

 

 

 

Cops To Give Up Dash Cams For Lent

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NEW YORK (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning Joey “The Plumber” Giuliani, president of the New York City Chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police, told reporters that the NYPD will be giving up dash cams for Lent. Joey is the cousin of former mayor and current bigot Rudolph Giuliani.

Dash cams are used by many jurisdictions across the United States and have been installed on tens of thousands of police cruisers. The cams record stops made by patrolmen and the videos are used in court, for training, to guard against insurance fraud in the case of accidents, and to record criminal acts committed by suspects that have been pulled over.

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Dash cams have proved invaluable for training white cops how to intimidate and brutalize innocent civilians living in minority neighborhoods

The system has been so useful that President Obama and others have suggested that cops all over the United States be fitted with mandatory body cams to record every minute of their shift.

Lately however, there has been a succession of incidents in which the cams have recorded cops beating the shit out of or even shooting unarmed civilians during traffic stops and altercations. Many of the videos have been offered as proof of police brutality.

Giuliani lamented the “misuse” of the videos and told reporters that by giving up the cams for Lent the department would be doing the taxpayers of New York a big favor.

“Let’s face it,” said Giuliani, “these cams are a very large pain in our ass. Do you know how much it costs to prosecute a cop these days? It’s a long and expensive process, and we view it as unjust. Cops are just out there trying to enforce the law, and naturally we sometimes have to get a little rough with a suspect, but let me tell you, they all deserve to get what’s coming to them.”

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This video has been used extensively across the country to show young recruits the proper technique when firing into a vehicle full of unarmed teenagers

Giuliani got his start in the NYPD in the mid nineties after his cousin Rudy won the mayoral election and gave him a job. He became famous for his “enhanced interrogation techniques” which included the use of a plunger on the nether regions of suspects. Joey called it “my little helper.” He had a confession success rate of over 90% during his time as an active officer.

“We just want to give back to the community that we were hired to protect by preventing frivolous lawsuits and losing valuable officers to extended prison terms,” said Giuliani. “It costs the public a lot of money to train these brave, idealistic men and women.”

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Unfortunately the usefulness of the dash cam has been called into question lately as videos have fallen into the “wrong hands” and cops have been seen on television beating the fuck out of innocent civilians

Giuliani ended the press conference by telling the assembled reporters that he hoped that the sacrifice made by the NYPD would catch on and departments all over the country would either disconnect or turn off their dash cams during the period leading up to Easter.

Giuliani has enlisted the support of the Benevolent Brotherhood of Bent Cops, the International Association of Bloodstain Pattern Analysts, the Prejudiced Prosecutors League, and the Bribable Judges Union in the effort.

“Lent has traditionally been a sacred period of prayer and self-denial,” said Giuliani, “and we advise minorities, homosexuals, and casual drug users all across this great country of ours to pray while we exercise our right of self-denial.”

Police departments across the country have applauded Giuliani’s actions and most intend on following New York’s example, except in some jurisdictions such as Ferguson, Missouri where cops would not be caught dead with a dash cam in their cruiser in the first place.

 

 

 

 

 

Republican Leaders Heartbroken Over Government Shutdown

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) broke down in tears today as he recounted to reporters the tragic events leading up to the government shutdown on Tuesday.

“It was just a case of being beaten to the punch,” said a tearful Boehner. “How were we to know that winter storm Octavia would hit D.C. that hard? Now we have to face the fact that the weather, and not the GOP, caused the first government shutdown of 2015. I just don’t know how we’re going to live with the shame.”

The government was closed Monday for the Presidents Day holiday, so the snowstorm gave most federal employees (called “non-essential” in bureaucracy-speak) an extra day at home.

U.S. Senator Cruz reacts as he answers questions during the Reuters Washington Summit in Washington

The shutdown rendered Senator Ted Cruz speechless for the first time in his political career. An aide remarked that he had never sounded so intelligent.

Conditions on the main roads in the Washington metro region ranged from fairly clear to totally snow-covered. Many downtown streets have not yet been touched, USA TODAY Washington Bureau Chief Susan Page reports.

Of course, White House operations pretty much keep rolling no matter what, although the daily press briefing was canceled.

However over on Capitol Hill, Congress was shut down, thus delaying critical meetings of GOP lawmakers set to discuss new methods of obfuscation and gridlock.

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was particularly upset, as his committee had scheduled an important brainstorming session on how best to temporarily defund the Department of Homeland Security in order to derail President Obama’s immigration orders.

“It truly breaks my heart that some stupid snow and ice is gonna get the credit for the first government shutdown of 2015,” said an emotional Cruz. “Everyone knows it’s my job to screw up Washington.”

The day was not a total write-off however.

House Majority Whip Steve Scalise used the spare time to write a new bill repealing Obamacare and in the afternoon visited a tailor’s shop down the street from his house to be measured for a new set of brown shirts.