THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Russell Wilson and other theologian-athletes on the victorious Seattle Seahawks football team gave God all the credit for their unlikely come-from-behind win against the Green Bay Packers on Sunday.
“God is too good all the time,” said a tearful Wilson after the game.
It seems that the outcome was never really in doubt because God planned the entire game, play-by-play, from start to finish. Football apparently has a very big part to play in the deity’s ultimate scheme for the universe.
“I had wanted us to go out and dominate Green Bay from the very start,” said Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll, “but when I saw God’s alternative plan for the game, I said well, that makes more sense.”
God’s plan was for Seattle to look like an anemic bunch of high school players for most of the game, and he had Seahawks quarterback Wilson throw four interceptions. All this was apparently part of his master plan to make Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers think they had the game won, so when Seattle came back, it would be that much more heartbreaking.
“God really hates the Green Bay Packers,” said Coach Carroll. “Everybody knows that. I think it has something to do with Wisconsin re-electing that idiot Scott Walker.”
When asked in the locker room after the game why God would let Green Bay do so well only to crush their hopes at the last-minute, Wilson told reporters, “Don’t be a doubting Thomas, you guys! Everyone knows that God is a sadist. Just read the Old Testament. I mean, this is the same dude that drowned all those Egyptians in the Red Sea and ordered the genocide of all those tribes that fucked with the Israelites.”
“The game went the way it did because that was God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so special, so rewarding,” said Wilson.
Jesus Christ, who was at the Vatican at the time chastising Pope Francis for his remarks regarding free speech, was asked by a reporter if his father really cared about football games.
“You know sometimes I wish I had come to earth as an elephant or a bottle-nosed dolphin,” said the Son of God. “At least that way I would have been a member of a sentient species. You talking monkeys really leave a lot to be desired in the intelligence department.”