THE RIVER STYX, HELL (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning, Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, confirmed that Dick Cheney, former vice president of the United States and giant bipedal penis, will be spending eternity roasting in the fires of Hell.
“I just wanted to make it clear to the American public that this asshole will not get away with his crimes against humanity,” said Satan. “I am well aware that the entire free world wants to put this bastard on trial for his crimes along with a host of other government employees including CIA officers who carried out war crimes in the name of revenge and some sort of perverse ‘justice.’ However, we all know that the current administration lacks the testicles to do so,” said the Prince of Darkness.
“I however, have no such qualms. Mr. Cheney will be receiving hourly refreshment via his rectum in the not too distant future, and that’s just the start of the fun for this dirty, filthy, lying son of a bitch.”
The Devil was not specific as to when Mr. Cheney will assume room temperature and begin his infinitely long sentence, but Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told journalists that we should not have to wait very long, as His Majesty will not be making any more deals with Cheney for new heart muscles ripped from the innocent in order to prolong his miserable life.
Lord Balthazar also said that many of the CIA’s apologists like Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) better see the light and pray for forgiveness or they will soon be in the same boat with Mr. Cheney.
Lord Balthazar said that Mephistopheles had instructed Charon to charter an extra-large boat from Carnival Cruise lines so that no one would be left out of the upcoming crossing into the depths of Hell.