White Republican Leaders Defend Fellow White Republican Leader For Defending White Rights At White Supremacist Meeting Attended By White Republicans

whitepride

WASHINGTON (CT&P) – House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who is technically a white person, is vigorously supporting House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA), another white person, as he faces a deluge of criticism and questions over a 2002 speech he gave to a white supremacist group.

boehnerorange

Although his skin is a bright orange color most of the time, Speaker Boehner is in fact a white man who is a strong supporter of wealthy white people and their business interests

“More than a decade ago, Representative Scalise made an error in judgment. He was not secretive enough in his support of white supremacists in his state. Like many of my colleagues on our side of the aisle, I know Steve to be a man of high integrity and good character, who will stand up for the rights of wealthy white people all across this great country of ours. He has my full confidence as our Whip, and he will continue to do great and important work for all white Americans,” Boehner said in statement made today outside the “Stars and Bars,” a swanky whites-only supper club in Georgetown.

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who is also white, is standing by Scalise as well.

“Congressman Scalise acknowledged he made a mistake and has condemned himself for being so dumb,” McCarthy said in a statement released moments after Boehner’s. “I’ve known him as a friend for many years and I know that he is much smarter than he appears. I know that if he could do it all over again, he would have insisted that the speaking engagement be held at night in some field using only torches for lighting. That way no one else would have known about it.”

The show of support from GOP leaders came as Scalise has found himself under fire for being a guest speaker at a 2002 meeting of the European-American Unity and Rights Organization, a group founded by former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. A Louisiana political blogger unearthed evidence of Scalise’s presence at the rally, and from there the news went viral.

Scalise, who was a state lawmaker at the time, maintains that he spoke to any groups who would give him any money whatsoever and says he didn’t know that EURO was affiliated with racists and neo-Nazi activists.

klan-mtg

Scalise told Reuters that the lighting in the auditorium was “really, really, bad” and he had no idea that the “dudes in sheets” were white supremacists

“Twelve years ago, I spoke to many different Louisiana groups as a state representative, trying to build support for legislation that focused on cutting government handouts to black people and half breeds, eliminating government corruption that did not benefit big business, and stopping tax hikes on the white majority. One of the many groups that I spoke to regarding this critical legislation was a group of folks wearing swastikas and white hoods. I want to stress that I had no idea that they were Nazis or members of the Ku Klux Klan. Had I known they were members of any white supremacist groups, I would have been much more circumspect with my support. It was a mistake I regret, and I want everyone to know that I emphatically oppose any groups that would divide the white majority and thus hurt my chances of re-election,” said Scalise.

He continued, “As a Christian, these groups hold views that are vehemently opposed to my own personal faith, and I reject any kind of hateful bigotry except the kind that keeps desperate Hispanic kids on the Mexican side of the border and prevents homosexuals from enjoying the same civil rights as straight Americans. Those who know me best know I have always been passionate about helping, serving, and fighting for every white family that I represent. And I will continue to do so.”

Duke described Scalise as “a pretty nice guy” and “a family man” and “very white” in a Monday night interview with The Huffington Post. He also said it seemed a bit strange that Scalise — who had a friendly relationship with Duke’s campaign manager Kenny Knight, the EURO event’s organizer — claims he didn’t know what the group’s message was about.

“It would seem to me that the son of bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing and this is just another example of the white GOP leadership not having the guts to stand up for what they believe in,” said Duke.

Obama Destroys Country Again This Year

hydrogenbomb1

BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Fox News is reporting that America has once again been completely and utterly destroyed by President Barack Obama. This marks the 6th time during his presidency that he has managed to lay waste to the North American land mass known as the United States.

obamadog

Although America has been completely destroyed again this year, Obama seems not to give a damn. The President was seen earlier today playing football with his pet canine amid the ruins of our once great nation.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest confirmed that America had been destroyed again at a press conference held early this morning in the Rose Garden.

“We’re proud that we managed to annihilate this once beautiful country and leave it in ruins yet again this year,” said Earnest, as he tuned one of the many special edition White House violins.

“President Obama was quite pleased that this year we got the job done early so he could take a much-needed vacation and recharge his batteries for the next round of obliteration scheduled to begin on January 1st. You know it takes a lot of energy to usurp power and then destroy all that is good about a nation.”

However, not everyone is convinced that Armageddon is just around the corner.

“The economy is in the best shape it has been in for a decade, unemployment is down, gas is under $2.00 per gallon, millions of poor people are now covered by health insurance, and there’s progress on the gay marriage front,” said New York Times Editor Dean Baqet, “but for some reason those cretins over at Fox insist that the country is on the brink of an apocalypse. I think it’s mainly because the President continues to be black even after six years in office.”

armageddon1

As part of the network’s show “2014: America’s Trail of Tears,” Fox News pundit and brainless dunderhead Andrea Shlemiel Tantaros will make predictions for 2015. It should be an “awesome” and uplifting broadcast.

Indeed, Fox News continues to report ad nauseam that Obamacare, the Benghazi non-conspiracy, immigration policy, sex crazed predatory homosexuals, civil rights protestors, warming relations with Cuba, and just about every other fucking thing you could imagine has left the country a smoking wreck reminiscent of post WW II Europe.

However, one group of Americans seems to be blissfully unaware that we are all doomed.

“Our customers are happy and optimistic as hell,” said Joseph Clayton, President and CEO of DISH Network. “It’s absolutely amazing what a week free of propaganda and misinformation will do for people.”

 

 

 

 

A Christmas Miracle

charltonheston2

BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In what many are calling a Christmas miracle, Charlton Heston appeared out of nowhere this morning on the beaches of northwest Florida. Heston was on horseback and was accompanied by a scantily clad mute female who many believe was Mary Magdalene or possibly even the Virgin Mary.

charltonheston

Heston screamed and writhed on the sand for hours in front of curious onlookers who had woken up early to enjoy free beer and hot dogs before the wet elf costume contest at the Spinnaker.

For hours Heston galloped up and down the beaches berating the native population for re-electing the ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott as their governor.

“Damn you! God damn you all to hell!” screamed Heston.

For many decades Heston has been an icon of the right and a huge supporter of the NRA. However, Heston’s support of marriage equality and his objections to oppressive new voter ID laws has recently put him at odds with the GOP leadership in Florida. Heston pumped a great deal of cash and effort into Charlie Crist’s campaign and was apparently frustrated that the citizens of Florida have once again chosen a “false idol” to worship for four more years.

CHARLTON-HESTON-PLANET-OF-THE-APES

Although a famous icon of the right, Heston has long supported marriage equality.

“You idiots,” yelled Heston, “what is it about snake gods and golden calves that turns you people on so much?”

Heston then jumped off his horse and made a huge display of tearing up his Florida voter ID card and throwing it on the sands of “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”

charltonheston4

After several hours of marching up and down the beach hurling epithets at Cretonians of all ages, Heston turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, and rode off.

“The Lord Our God will kick your ass for this travesty!” said Heston. He then turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, jumped back on his horse and rode off.

Most pundits believe that Heston’s temper tantrum will have little effect on Florida politics, and the state will remain a “Forbidden Zone” for many years to come. Political pundit Barry Edwards told Wolf Blitzer on CNN that “This whole region is like a vast wasteland of intelligence. It’s gonna take one hell of a lot more than a Christmas miracle to fix this God-forsaken state. We might as well lift off and nuke the entire site from orbit-it’s the only way to be sure.”

Jerry’s Guide To Isolated Cabin Living

cabina

Excerpted from “Post Metrosexual Lifestyles For Males In The 21st Century,” Curmudgeon Magazine, May 2014

If you are male over fifty years of age who has taken a beat down by bent cops, ex wives, or just society in general, and you’re ready to make a change, moving to a remote, isolated cabin in the woods could be just the thing to recharge your batteries and get you ready for the 4th Quarter of life. Living alone in a wooded mountainous setting offers all kinds of advantages for men who enjoy their own company and are disgusted by what they see going on around the planet. We at Curmudgeon would like to offer you some tips for this creepy and bizarre lifestyle so that you won’t make some of the same mistakes made by other reclusive freaks, such as Howard Hughes, J. D. Salinger, or Ted Kaczynski, better known as the “Unabomber.”

CHOOSE YOUR CABIN CAREFULLY

cabin666

If you plan on writing and distributing subversive pamphlets, masterminding a conspiracy to overthrow the government, or are planning on handling fissionable materials, it’s probably a good idea to live completely off the grid. This will at least give you a fighting chance to remain undetected long enough to complete your batshit crazy mission. Make sure to dig an elaborate bunker complex under and around your cabin so you can hold off the FBI long enough to force them to publish your insane manifesto. That way other kooks from around the world will rise up in revolt and come to your defense.

MAKE SURE YOUR CABIN HAS AT LEAST ONE FUNCTIONAL SATELLITE DISH

dish

If you are not too far gone mentally and you require electricity and entertainment, be sure to choose a cabin with a satellite dish, or have one installed as soon as possible. It will be critical for your well being to view every sporting event occurring all over the globe every day if you are going to retain your tenuous grip on sanity. A dish devoted solely to the internet is also useful so you can monitor world events and spew your weird ideas on sites like Facebook and WordPress, to name two examples.

 

 BUILD A LIBRARY OF UPLIFTING BOOKS

Franz-Kafka-The-Metamorphosis

When forced by subzero temperatures to spend days at a time locked in your cabin, reading can be a truly rewarding and enriching experience. Be sure to purchase the complete works of Kafka, Sarte, Dostoyevsky, and other motivational authors to cheer you up during those long winter nights.

 

BUY SEVERAL DOZEN AREA RUGS AND STORE THEM IN A CLOSET

rug

No one except obsessive-compulsive freaks enjoys cleaning. When the floors in your cabin become so disgusting that even you cannot stand them, area rugs are the answer. Simply place rugs down in the worst areas to cover any rodent droppings or vegetative debris that might have been tracked in. This should allow you to delay cleaning the place for at least a couple of more months.

 

STOCKPILE ENOUGH WEAPONS AND AMMUNITION TO OUTFIT A BRIGADE OF ISIS TERRORISTS

weapons

Remember the Boy Scout motto! Always be prepared for a race war or the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Purchase as many weapons and as much ammo as you can possibly afford. Bury caches of guns in drums full of cosmoline around your property just in case you need them 30 years from now. Don’t worry about pesky federal firearms statutes. An RPG or fully automatic crew served machine gun can come in handy when fighting off IRS agents.

 

HANG BIZARRE AND OFFENSIVE WORKS OF ART ON YOUR WALLS TO INTIMIDATE UNWANTED GUESTS

swastika

Be sure to purchase some animal skulls, swastikas, and creepy, disturbing artwork for your new cabin. Nothing works better for making visitors feel uncomfortable and a little threatened. After all, who wants unexpected visits from blood-sucking relatives or those pesky LDS cretins?

 

CLEAN DISHES AND UTENSILS AT LEAST ONCE PER QUARTER

dogdishwasher

Clean your dishes and eating utensils when you are able to fit it into your busy schedule. Your canine’s mouth is cleaner than your own, so Fido can help with this onerous chore. Don’t be a pussy about using dirty plates! Always remember that microorganisms that don’t kill you make you stronger.

 

BUY A PET MONKEY

monkey

Subhuman primates make great companions for those who spend most of their time barricaded behind high fences, inside compounds or in creaky wooden structures. They are very useful for the removal of lice from hard-to-reach places on your body. Also, a chimp can make a very erudite companion for those long winter months spent trapped inside your shack.

 

SUPPORT FRACKING IN YOUR AREA

fracking

If giant oil and gas companies move into your area and begin fracking operations, don’t be alarmed. Poisoned groundwater supplies offer some real upsides. The rashes, boils, and running sores on your skin will eventually heal and form a tough barrier against biting insects, and sinks and bathtubs will make handy heat sources during frigid winter months. Don’t believe the hype about the deadly chemicals used in fracking; most are in fact harmless and won’t cause malignancies until years down the road, so don’t worry.

 

PLACE A BUST OF HITLER IN YOUR ENTRYWAY

hitlerbust

If you have workers coming in to install your acid bath or industrial sized meat grinding machine, place a large bust of Hitler in your foyer. This will encourage the workers to get the job done as quickly as possible and get the hell out of there.

 

THREATEN ANY LAW ENFORCEMENT PERSONNEL THAT HAPPEN TO VISIT YOUR CABIN

sheriff

When sheriff’s deputies finally visit your cabin because you have failed to pay property taxes for over five years, scream at them that you do not recognize the government’s right to tax its citizens and threaten to turn the entire county into “a sea of fire.” This never fails to terrify law enforcement personnel. They will quickly leave and never bother you again.

 

CHAIN VICIOUS DOGS TO TREES AT STRATEGIC POINTS IN THE WOODS AROUND YOUR CABIN

doggggg

Rescue some abused dogs that have been raised to fight. Then chain them to trees around your home. Feed them about once a week and leave them out in all types of inclement weather. They will quickly become mindless killing machines that will warn you if anything with a heartbeat comes within half a mile of your property. After all, you don’t want any curious teenagers poking about your property.

 

BE SURE TO TAKE UP A HOBBY

meth-lab_0

In order to relieve boredom and stay sharp, be sure to take up a hobby. Beekeeping, gardening, or setting up your own meth lab in the basement of your new home could be just the trick. Remember, idle hands make idle minds, and an idle mind is the Devil’s workshop.

 

BE CAUTIOUS WHEN PURCHASING SUPPLIES IN TOWN

homeless-cart-rl-copy

When you are forced to make a trip into town to restock your supplies, adopt the persona of a homeless drunk with severe mental problems. Before leaving your cabin roll around in the compost pile and urinate on yourself several times. While you are in the grocery store, keep a low profile by carrying on conversations with imaginary space aliens and Jesus. After all, you don’t want to make any friends that would take up your precious “me” time, now do you?

 

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, TUNE TO FOX NEWS EVERY CHANCE YOU GET

foxsheep

Be sure to spend every minute of free time staring at the Fox News Channel and absorbing every statement as if you were present during the Sermon on the Mount. Believe every word spoken as if Christ himself were in your living room. You will soon become convinced that President Obama is Satan incarnate and is hell bent on leading a revolt of negroes to take over the country. This will keep you on your toes and encourage you to keep your defenses in tip top condition. Remember, you never can be too careful!

 

We at the Times-Picayune hope that this excerpt from Curmudgeon has been useful to you as you set out to start a new life in the untamed wilderness. Always remember that living alone and cut off from all human contact can be a rewarding experience that will help you achieve the oddball lifestyle you have always dreamed of. We wish you the best of luck and hope that you are in good physical condition as you can forget about ever dialing 911 again for the rest of your miserable life.

Jesus Vehemently Denies Torture Allegations

jesusmachinegun

ROME, ITALY (CT&P) – After a meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican earlier today, Jesus paused to speak with reporters regarding recent torture allegations made by the American Family Association’s Director of Issues Analysis and borderline psychopath Bryan Fischer. Jesus flatly denied that he supported torture in way whatsoever.

jesuss

Jesus told reporters that although he was against torture, having been a victim of it himself, he fully supported “no-knock” warrants made legal by the Patriot Act

“I just want to make it clear that I do not support torture in any of its many forms,” said the Prince of Peace. “This is about the millionth time I’ve had to correct that idiot Fischer. I really don’t know why all you talking monkeys continue to listen to him.”

The controversy erupted earlier this week when Fischer defended the CIA’s use of torture, saying that liberals “would drag the Bible’s heroes before the courts at Nuremberg and charge them with crimes against humanity” and suggesting on his radio program that Jesus would support the use of torture in a time of war.

Fischer went on to rant that “Christianity is not a pacifist religion. The God that we serve is described in Exodus 15 as a ‘man of war.’ Now we often think of gentle Jesus, meek and mild, but let’s not forget, according to Romans 19:13, when he comes back … he will be riding a white horse and wearing his own robe, dipped in blood. That is a robe that is worn by a warrior who is inflicting casualties on the foe. So this is gentle Jesus, meek and mild; when we comes back, his robe is going to be dipped in blood because he too is a warrior.”

jesus riding dinosaur2.widea

Jesus said that Fischer was also wrong about “the whole white horse thing” as he had long since traded the horse in for a Messiahraptor

Jesus seemed surprised that in this day and age anyone would listen to someone who has such a tenuous grip on reality.

“What is it about ‘turn the other cheek’ that this bigoted imbecile does not understand? Anyone who actually believes the tripe coming out of Fischer’s mouth needs to have his head examined,” said the Lord of Light. “This guy is literally brimming with hatred for just about anyone except straight white males over the age of 65. Frankly, I’m surprised that the son of a bitch has not been committed.”

Jesus was in Rome attending meetings with Pope Francis and a group of architects reviewing Heavenly expansion plans after Francis reduced entry requirements, allowing millions of pets to gain access to the Pearly Gates.

 

Rubio Pledges To Stamp Out Progress “Wherever It Rears Its Ugly Head”

marco-rubio-vp

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -At a hurriedly called press conference somewhere in the bowels of Cretonia earlier today, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), a Catholic, criticized Pope Francis after the pontiff played a key role in helping the United States and Cuba forge an agreement that resulted in the release of American Alan Gross from Cuba.

Rubio said he would “ask His Holiness to take up the cause of freedom and democracy.”

The pompous ass junior senator from Cretonia who intends to school His Holiness was speaking in response to the White House’s announcement about talks to normalize relations with Cuba after a nearly 50-year embargo with the country.

Marco Rubio (R-Buffoon):: Obstructionist Republican Clown

Rubio spoke to reporters while in route to his part-time job as a carnival clown at Disneyworld

The pope played a pivotal role through personal appeals to President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro to help the two countries forge an agreement for the release of Gross, Obama announced on Wednesday.

Rubio is set to play a major role in Cuba policy as the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations subcommittee on Western Affairs, and he noted Wednesday some of Congress’ leverage points, such as funding for embassies and nomination of a U.S. ambassador to Cuba.

“I’m committed to doing everything I can to unravel as many of these changes as possible,” Rubio said.

When asked just what the hell he was talking about, Rubio replied “As I have said many times before, I’m no scientist and usually have no fucking clue what I’m talking about, regardless of the subject. However, for decades now our policy concerning Cuba has been held hostage by a tiny minority living in and around Miami. I see no reason to make any changes to that policy at this time. Cuban ex pats and their offspring make up an important voting bloc for us Republicans, to say nothing of their generous donations to our campaigns. I’m certainly not going to let them down by agreeing to a policy that could be good for the U.S. and Cuba as well.”
Rubio continued, “As a Republican I am against all forms of progress and change, and I will do my best to stamp out any change I see in any policy regarding anything at all.”
When asked to clarify his comments regarding the Pope Rubio said “This Pope is far too compassionate and helpful to be an ally of the Republican Party. They really need to get someone with experience in that position.”

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Drone Strike”

drone1

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, let your heart be light

From now on our victims will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, make the Yuletide gay

From now on our pilots will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of gore

Faithful rebels who were dear to us, are not near to us anymore

Through the years we all will be together, if the courts allow

Hang a bloody corpse upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little drone strike now

ISLAMABAD-As Christmas Day approaches and millions of Americans are celebrating the birth of Christ by purchasing presents from Walmart, our military marked the occasion by obliterating a few suspected militants in Yemen and North Waziristan. Although administration officials declined comment on the strikes, we managed to reach General Jack Ripper USAF (Ret) for his thoughts on the matter.

Iraqi Freedom

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like a series of massive bombs detonating right in the middle of a wedding procession!

“It has become a sort of Christmas tradition,” said General Ripper. “The holidays are the perfect time to hit the enemy because we can target weddings and other gatherings during the slow news cycle back home. Most Americans are more concerned with the mythical “War on Christmas” than with innocent people being vaporized in the name of democracy. Drone strikes are great because they are the most cost-effective way to provoke the locals and swell the ranks of our terrorist opponents. If we face growing numbers of terrorists then it is much easier to justify a bloated defense budget and intrusive information-gathering programs.”

jackdripper

General Ripper spoke to us from a private suite in the psychiatric wing of Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland

General Ripper continued, “These savages living in mud huts thousands of miles away constitute a clear and present danger to our way of life and our republic, and the startling truth is that there are at least a few dozen of them. Furthermore, these guys are believed to be the masterminds behind the evil worldwide plot to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids,” said Ripper. “Our nation is a righteous one founded on Christian principles, chosen by God and Jesus to lead the free world, and if we have to blow up the rest of the globe to prove it, then by God that’s what we’re gonna do!” General Ripper had to end our phone interview at that point because it was time for the night nurse to distribute medication.

Pakistani and Yemeni government officials have protested the drone strikes as being counter-productive, saying they serve only to provoke lunatic religious fanatics. They have advised citizens living in tribal areas that during traditional infidel holidays a trip to a large town may be in order, and all New Year’s Eve celebrations should be held in caves deep underground.