Excerpted from “Post Metrosexual Lifestyles For Males In The 21st Century,” Curmudgeon Magazine, May 2014
If you are male over fifty years of age who has taken a beat down by bent cops, ex wives, or just society in general, and you’re ready to make a change, moving to a remote, isolated cabin in the woods could be just the thing to recharge your batteries and get you ready for the 4th Quarter of life. Living alone in a wooded mountainous setting offers all kinds of advantages for men who enjoy their own company and are disgusted by what they see going on around the planet. We at Curmudgeon would like to offer you some tips for this creepy and bizarre lifestyle so that you won’t make some of the same mistakes made by other reclusive freaks, such as Howard Hughes, J. D. Salinger, or Ted Kaczynski, better known as the “Unabomber.”
CHOOSE YOUR CABIN CAREFULLY
If you plan on writing and distributing subversive pamphlets, masterminding a conspiracy to overthrow the government, or are planning on handling fissionable materials, it’s probably a good idea to live completely off the grid. This will at least give you a fighting chance to remain undetected long enough to complete your batshit crazy mission. Make sure to dig an elaborate bunker complex under and around your cabin so you can hold off the FBI long enough to force them to publish your insane manifesto. That way other kooks from around the world will rise up in revolt and come to your defense.
MAKE SURE YOUR CABIN HAS AT LEAST ONE FUNCTIONAL SATELLITE DISH
If you are not too far gone mentally and you require electricity and entertainment, be sure to choose a cabin with a satellite dish, or have one installed as soon as possible. It will be critical for your well being to view every sporting event occurring all over the globe every day if you are going to retain your tenuous grip on sanity. A dish devoted solely to the internet is also useful so you can monitor world events and spew your weird ideas on sites like Facebook and WordPress, to name two examples.
BUILD A LIBRARY OF UPLIFTING BOOKS
When forced by subzero temperatures to spend days at a time locked in your cabin, reading can be a truly rewarding and enriching experience. Be sure to purchase the complete works of Kafka, Sarte, Dostoyevsky, and other motivational authors to cheer you up during those long winter nights.
BUY SEVERAL DOZEN AREA RUGS AND STORE THEM IN A CLOSET
No one except obsessive-compulsive freaks enjoys cleaning. When the floors in your cabin become so disgusting that even you cannot stand them, area rugs are the answer. Simply place rugs down in the worst areas to cover any rodent droppings or vegetative debris that might have been tracked in. This should allow you to delay cleaning the place for at least a couple of more months.
STOCKPILE ENOUGH WEAPONS AND AMMUNITION TO OUTFIT A BRIGADE OF ISIS TERRORISTS
Remember the Boy Scout motto! Always be prepared for a race war or the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Purchase as many weapons and as much ammo as you can possibly afford. Bury caches of guns in drums full of cosmoline around your property just in case you need them 30 years from now. Don’t worry about pesky federal firearms statutes. An RPG or fully automatic crew served machine gun can come in handy when fighting off IRS agents.
HANG BIZARRE AND OFFENSIVE WORKS OF ART ON YOUR WALLS TO INTIMIDATE UNWANTED GUESTS
Be sure to purchase some animal skulls, swastikas, and creepy, disturbing artwork for your new cabin. Nothing works better for making visitors feel uncomfortable and a little threatened. After all, who wants unexpected visits from blood-sucking relatives or those pesky LDS cretins?
CLEAN DISHES AND UTENSILS AT LEAST ONCE PER QUARTER
Clean your dishes and eating utensils when you are able to fit it into your busy schedule. Your canine’s mouth is cleaner than your own, so Fido can help with this onerous chore. Don’t be a pussy about using dirty plates! Always remember that microorganisms that don’t kill you make you stronger.
BUY A PET MONKEY
Subhuman primates make great companions for those who spend most of their time barricaded behind high fences, inside compounds or in creaky wooden structures. They are very useful for the removal of lice from hard-to-reach places on your body. Also, a chimp can make a very erudite companion for those long winter months spent trapped inside your shack.
SUPPORT FRACKING IN YOUR AREA
If giant oil and gas companies move into your area and begin fracking operations, don’t be alarmed. Poisoned groundwater supplies offer some real upsides. The rashes, boils, and running sores on your skin will eventually heal and form a tough barrier against biting insects, and sinks and bathtubs will make handy heat sources during frigid winter months. Don’t believe the hype about the deadly chemicals used in fracking; most are in fact harmless and won’t cause malignancies until years down the road, so don’t worry.
PLACE A BUST OF HITLER IN YOUR ENTRYWAY
If you have workers coming in to install your acid bath or industrial sized meat grinding machine, place a large bust of Hitler in your foyer. This will encourage the workers to get the job done as quickly as possible and get the hell out of there.
THREATEN ANY LAW ENFORCEMENT PERSONNEL THAT HAPPEN TO VISIT YOUR CABIN
When sheriff’s deputies finally visit your cabin because you have failed to pay property taxes for over five years, scream at them that you do not recognize the government’s right to tax its citizens and threaten to turn the entire county into “a sea of fire.” This never fails to terrify law enforcement personnel. They will quickly leave and never bother you again.
CHAIN VICIOUS DOGS TO TREES AT STRATEGIC POINTS IN THE WOODS AROUND YOUR CABIN
Rescue some abused dogs that have been raised to fight. Then chain them to trees around your home. Feed them about once a week and leave them out in all types of inclement weather. They will quickly become mindless killing machines that will warn you if anything with a heartbeat comes within half a mile of your property. After all, you don’t want any curious teenagers poking about your property.
BE SURE TO TAKE UP A HOBBY
In order to relieve boredom and stay sharp, be sure to take up a hobby. Beekeeping, gardening, or setting up your own meth lab in the basement of your new home could be just the trick. Remember, idle hands make idle minds, and an idle mind is the Devil’s workshop.
BE CAUTIOUS WHEN PURCHASING SUPPLIES IN TOWN
When you are forced to make a trip into town to restock your supplies, adopt the persona of a homeless drunk with severe mental problems. Before leaving your cabin roll around in the compost pile and urinate on yourself several times. While you are in the grocery store, keep a low profile by carrying on conversations with imaginary space aliens and Jesus. After all, you don’t want to make any friends that would take up your precious “me” time, now do you?
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, TUNE TO FOX NEWS EVERY CHANCE YOU GET
Be sure to spend every minute of free time staring at the Fox News Channel and absorbing every statement as if you were present during the Sermon on the Mount. Believe every word spoken as if Christ himself were in your living room. You will soon become convinced that President Obama is Satan incarnate and is hell bent on leading a revolt of negroes to take over the country. This will keep you on your toes and encourage you to keep your defenses in tip top condition. Remember, you never can be too careful!
We at the Times-Picayune hope that this excerpt from Curmudgeon has been useful to you as you set out to start a new life in the untamed wilderness. Always remember that living alone and cut off from all human contact can be a rewarding experience that will help you achieve the oddball lifestyle you have always dreamed of. We wish you the best of luck and hope that you are in good physical condition as you can forget about ever dialing 911 again for the rest of your miserable life.