Auburn Defense Missing And Presumed Dead After Second Half Stampede In Tuscaloosa


TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA (CT&P) – After acting in a docile and somewhat incompetent manner in the first two quarters, Alabama’s herd of giant pachyderms went berserk in the second half, running over, through, and around a hapless Auburn defense like they were not there. Auburn defensive players were left crushed and mangled on the field like shoppers on Black Friday trying to get into Walmart.


The belligerence of the pachyderms was not limited to the offense. A photographer for the Birmingham News snapped this photo of Bama defensive lineman Jonathan Allen sacking Auburn QB Nick Marshall

The dominant bull in the herd, Blake Sims, led the tuskers on five straight touchdown drives to cinch the glorious Bama victory. Wide receiver Amari “The Stud” Cooper caught two of his three touchdown passes in the third quarter in route to a 13 reception, 224 yard performance.

Auburn coaches and players seemed overwhelmed and unable to stem the Tide of murderous enraged pachyderms.

“It was just plain horrifying,” said Auburn head coach Gus Malzahn. “We were hauling injured and dead felines off the field after every play. The monstrous beasts showed no mercy whatsoever. It was like standing in front of dam as it burst. There was just no stopping them.”


The raging pachyderms showed no mercy. They even destroyed the beloved “Gus Bus” parked just outside Bryant-Denny Stadium.

Many of the unfortunate defensive linemen were treated at DCH Regional Medical Center but most of the Auburn secondary remains unaccounted for.

“We found some shreds of orange and blue fabric that could be fragments of uniform, along with some helmets and protoplasm that may be bits of human flesh,” said Malzahn. “At this point we’re just not sure.”


Coach Saban finally brought the herd of elephants under control, but not before defensive tackle Brandon Ivory crushed Coach Malzahn’s personal vehicle

When asked what the team will do to try to rebuild their confidence before a consolation bowl game, Malzahn told reporters that “Well, I guess we will sit down and watch a loop of the end of last year’s Iron Bowl. You know we have only seen it 3578 times so far. I guess a few more times could never hurt.”

In keeping with the Auburn tradition of naming their games so they can actually remember them amid the clutter in their skulls, fans phoned in suggestions to Paul Finebaum who was commenting on the game for the SEC Network. As of this writing it is a tossup between “Pachyderm Colonoscopy” and “Trampled at Bryant-Denny.”

The final score in the game was 55-44, setting up an appearance by the thundering herd of belligerent Bama behemoths in the SEC Championship Game against yet another litter of kittens from Columbia, Missouri.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s