THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The Fannin County Coroner’s office declared seven shoppers dead at the scene earlier today at McCaysville Drug and Gun in downtown McCaysville, Georgia after a tragic Black Friday stampede shortly after the doors opened at 6 A.M. Two dozen other would-be shoppers were taken to Ducktown Regional Medical Center to be treated for a number of broken bones and internal injuries.
A crowd of over two hundred hunters, drug addicts, and meth lab proprietors had been milling about the entrance to the store for over 24 hours in anticipation of the beginning of the annual “Sudafed and Ammo Spectacular Sale.” The sale has been a big hit in the tri-county area for many years.
“It was horrifying,” said assistant manager R.W. Scrotum. “There were dozens of hillbillies dressed in all sorts of camouflage clothing and about fifty toothless sleep-deprived maniacs clawing at each other to get inside first. When the doors opened it was like a dam had burst. The poor bastards at the front of the line didn’t stand a chance.”
The store owner, Mr. Billy Bob McSneed, told Eyewitness News Chattanooga that he had hired three sheriff’s deputies to try to control the crowd after what happened last year, when three shoppers were killed and several children went missing and remain unaccounted for.
“I really thought we had a grip on things this time around,” said McSneed, “but I guess there is just no controlling a crowd of murderous gun-totin’ rednecks and a bunch of drug-crazed hillbillies. Next year I’m hoping that we can borrow Cherokee County’s tank that they got from the Pentagon. That should slow these guys down a little bit.”
The McCaysville city council has tried to ban the Black Friday sale several times over the years but Mayor Thomas Seabolt has blocked every attempt saying “hell, it’s the only viable business we have in this God-forsaken town. Do you want to ruin our tax base? If those cretins want to kill each other getting in every year, then so be it.”