CAMP NOU, BARCELONA, CATALONIA, SPAIN (CT&P) – Our Lord and Savior, the goal scoring Messiah Leo Messi scored a hat trick against Sevilla yesterday to set the all time career scoring record in La Liga. The three goals came during a 5-1 trouncing of the unfortunate Sevillistas much to the delight of Barcelona fans at Camp Nou. The former record was set by Telmo Zarra and has stood unbroken since 1955.
The Lamb of God tied the record of 251 goals with an absolutely divine free kick in the 21st minute that rose over the wall of opposing players, dipped like a star falling from the heavens, and sailed into the corner of the net. Sevilla goalkeeper Antonio Alberto Bastos Pimparel was powerless to block the shot delivered from the left foot of Our Lord.
“It was like the heavens opened and a bolt of lighting hit the net,” said a shaken Beto. “There is no fighting the power of the Son of God.”
The Prince of Pitch scored again in the 72nd minute to set the new scoring record at 252 goals. The goal came off a cross from his disciple Prince Neymar of Brazil.
To celebrate, his devoted disciples raised his body toward the heavens in an act of divine ecstasy.
“I’m just delighted to be here to witness these miracles week after week,” said Neymar after the game. “Leo is an all-powerful and all-knowing force out there on the field. He shepherds shot after shot through the heart of the unbeliever’s defenses. I’m just proud to assist him spread the Good News of Barcelona victories in any way I can.”
The King of Kings completed his Trinity of goals only six minutes later with a powerful low strike from the edge of the penalty area.
In an interview after the game, Barcelona captain Cardinal Xavi Hernandez told reporters that the Messiah was “simply the best player ever to grace a pitch.” “He is absolutely without sin on the football field,” said Xavi. “And he’s quite useful during practice as well, turning water into Gatorade on a regular basis. All praise be unto Him.”
Messi, who is only 27 years old, has a chance to top three hundred goals in his career, making it almost impossible to beat unless there is a “Third Coming” sometime in the distant future.