THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson, former neurosurgeon and current right-wing kook will announce his intention to run for the Republican presidential nomination this weekend, according to his long-time aide and press secretary Igor.
At a press conference on the steps of Carson’s underground laboratory in rural Virginia, Igor told a group of reporters that Dr. Carson will release a 40 minute video that will outline his policy stances and beliefs so that voters will be able to “get to know him better.” Igor said that Carson hopes that those voters who are not taken aback, shocked, or downright terrified by what they see and hear on the video will go to the polls and support him during the Republican primaries.
Dr. Carson rose to fame within the batshit crazy wing of the Republican Party after an appearance at the National Prayer Breakfast during which he compared Obamacare to slavery, showing a grasp of American history roughly equivalent to that of an average house cat.
Dr. Carson, who does not believe in evolution, is a strong supporter of the group of raving lunatics who support “Young Earth” creationist theory, a concept with absolutely no scientific fact to back it up. Carson has also referred to abortion as “human sacrifice,” and has compared homosexuality with bestiality and pedophilia.
Carson also wants to abolish Medicare and Medicaid, replace welfare with private charity, and institute a flat income tax, presumably because Jesus was such a strong critic of the poor and less fortunate.
Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker phoned Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey for more insight into Dr. Carson’s troubled psyche.
“Anyone with a fully functional pre-frontal cortex will no doubt be shocked and disgusted with Carson’s vision of America,” said Hikita. “I really fail to understand how any respectable medical school would loose this madman on the American public. I mean, how can you actually graduate from university and medical school and not believe in something as obvious as evolution?”
Professor Hikita was even more perturbed by Carson’s insane ideas regarding the age of the earth.
“Dr. Carson is one of those ignorant twits that believes the earth is about 6,000 years old,” said Hikita. “That’s the same bunch of hucksters that want us to believe that Jesus and the disciples cruised around Palestine on the backs of dinosaurs. It’s insane. The next thing you know that creepy ass Ken Ham will be running for political office in Kentucky. It may be time to start making sure your passport is in order. If this group ever gains the White House civilization could grind to a halt overnight.”
Although most pundits give Carson roughly a snowball’s chance in Hell of being elected president, stranger things have happened. After all, the normally lucid citizens of Minnesota’s 6th District actually elected a barely functional android, Michele Bachmann, to represent them in Congress.