SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Sources close to the Scott campaign told our intrepid reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the governor killed and consumed a large alligator during the drive home to Tallahassee after the debate last week.
Apparently Scott demanded that the campaign bus, the “Python Express,” stop on the outskirts of the Everglades, whereupon he tore off his clothing, leaped from the vehicle and disappeared into the scrub. Efforts to stop the governor were met with threatening posturing and loud hissing from Scott.
“It was really terrifying,” said an aide who wished to remain anonymous. “He coiled up and was ready to strike anyone who tried to stop him. We were able to follow him for a while because of that unearthly glow given off by his scales when he gets excited, but we eventually had to stop when he reached a swampy area teeming with alligators.”
The aide reported that the next morning a stuffed and lethargic Scott was found sunning himself on the median of the interstate.
“It took six of us to pick him up and put him back on the bus,” said the unnamed aide. “He was quite content to nap for most of the trip home while he was absorbing the enormous reptile.”
Apparently Scott’s diet is not limited to other reptiles. Sources say that Scott is an opportunist and somewhat of a scavenger. Visitors have noted the complete absence of any wildlife around the governor’s mansion and Scott’s guard detail has to continually replace Alsatians listed as “missing and presumed dead.”
Melissa Sellers, Scott’s campaign manager, told reporters that now that the governor has fed, he should be able to devote all of his time to being reelected.
“He won’t need to feed again for approximately six weeks,” said Sellers. “By that time the race will be decided and he can be returned to his enclosure. He won’t pose a threat to anyone for quite some time.”