THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Ben Affleck is scheduled to have major surgery on Thursday to have his head removed from his ass in what doctors are calling “a last-ditch effort” to save the actor’s credibility. Affleck’s affliction, Colonhead Syndrome, has been spreading rapidly throughout the liberal landscape and has perverted the normally progressive and enlightened thinking of its victims.
Other prominent personalities currently suffering from the syndrome include journalist Glenn Greenwald and scholar Reza Aslan, author of the book Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, an insightful work he completed before falling victim to the dread disease.
Symptoms of the syndrome include an inability to think clearly, failure to grasp nuanced arguments, and violent knee-jerk reactions when anyone criticizes any religion other than Christianity or Judaism. Irrational reactions have been observed to be particularly virulent when anyone dares to criticize Islam, with sufferers accusing the offending party of being a Neolithic Islamophobe, or a “genocidal fascist maniac.”
No one realized the extent of Affleck’s grave condition until his appearance on Bill Maher’s show Real Time last week. Affleck got into a heated debate with his host as well as Sam Harris, Maher’s featured guest, over the tenets of Islam and how the U.S. should deal with the murderous thugs from ISIS as well other bands of religious freaks who are bent on slaughtering all those who disagree with their interpretation of the Quran.
Harris had little time to respond to Affleck’s ponderous criticisms because one symptom of Colonhead Syndrome is diarrhea of the mouth, which Affleck displayed during the entire show. Maher did his best to convince Affleck that Islam is as Harris put it, “the motherload of bad ideas” in the modern world, but he was having none of it, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Dr. John Bigboote and Dr. John Smallberries of Yoyodyne Laboratoris will lead the surgical team who will attempt to remove Affleck’s head from his colon on Thursday.
“The team is hopeful that the surgery will be a success,” said Dr. Bigboote. “Greenwald and Aslan are clearly beyond all hope, but we think Affleck has a chance to lead a relatively normal life after we operate. We have had success in similar circumstances last year when we removed the entire upper torso from one climate change denier’s ass.”
“It would be a damn shame to lose Affleck, as he is normally so articulate and passionate when it comes to righteous causes,” continued Bigboote. “After all, to paraphrase Bill Maher, we are all liberals, and not a bunch of ignorant Tea Baggers. We should be able to debate the issues without resorting to their patented brand of intransigence and hysteria.”
The surgery is scheduled to take place at Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems’ headquarters in Grover’s Mill, N.J. at around 3 PM Eastern. It will be televised on MSNBC and the program will be hosted by Katie Couric, an expert on all things colon.