THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Cops in Bartow County Georgia made a historic seizure of premium okra on Wednesday morning. A spokesman from the Georgia Bureau of Investigation told reporters in Atlanta that over 10 kilos of high grade seed pods were seized in a pre-dawn raid conducted by a SWAT team from the Governor’s Task Force for Drug Suppression.
Dwayne Perry of Cartersville told WSB-TV that he was awakened by a helicopter flying low over his house Wednesday and then some heavily-armed deputies and a K-9 unit showed up at his door. They were all armed with assault weapons, shotguns and stun grenades. They told Perry “they were out looking for marijuana plants.”
What they had seen, apparently, were Perry’s okra plants and a shrub at the end of his house.
Although Perry was not arrested, the offending vegetables were taken into custody. The street value of the okra was estimated to be as high as $5000 but one must keep in mind that the estimate was made by the same idiots that value a pound of pot at 25 to 40 grand.
The okra in question was later distributed amongst the governor’s staff, influential politicians, and high-ranking law enforcement officials as is usually the case when a major bust goes down. The felonious shrub was seized and transported under armed guard to the governor’s wife to plant at their private residence.
“We’re just glad that okra never made it into the mouths of innocent kids,” said Stokes.
“Do you know how much cholesterol is in a 12 cm pod of fried okra? It’s downright scary! I can remember being force-fed boiled okra as a boy on the farm where I grew up. It was like swallowing a bowlful of slime from the creature in Alien. Disgusting!”
“And I’ll tell you something else, okra is a precursor ingredient in the manufacture of gumbo and other highly addictive substances. They can do what they like down there in Louisiana, but we are not going stand for letting our kids eat that crap in Georgia. I mean, it’s like hot dogs…who really knows what’s in that stuff?”
Captain Stokes told reporters that although no pot or hard drugs were seized during the raid, he saw no reason to change the modus operandi of the task force.
“Our standard operating procedure is to fly aimlessly around north and central Georgia and try to spot suspicious plants from heights anywhere from 5000 to 10,000 feet,” said Stokes. “If we see something we think is suspicious, we call in as much firepower as we can muster, including Cobra attack helicopters from the closest Georgia Air National Guard base. You just can’t be too careful because you know how violent and dangerous these potheads usually are.”
“Then we storm the property, terrorize the homeowner, and demand to know which cartel he is associated with. It really is a successful formula. Sometimes we even get to mow down a dog or blow up an infant in a crib. It’s really a rush.”
Mr. Perry, who is retired and raises vegetables strictly for his own consumption, told WSB News that “No wonder we’re losing the Drug War with idiots like these folks running around. My neighbors now refer to me as Scarface. Thank God my chihuahua Ralph was locked in the bedroom. I’m sure these morons would have seen him as “clear and present danger” and roasted him alive with a flamethrower. I intend to sue the Governor and anyone else I can.”