Texas Governor Rick Perry Takes Swift And Decisive Action To Contain Ebola Threat


THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Texas Governor Rick Perry announced today that he had taken “swift and decisive action” to reduce the threat of an Ebola epidemic in and around the Dallas metropolitan area. “I’ve made all the hard decisions necessary to quickly nip this potential crisis in the bud,” said Governor Perry, who still maintains the fantasy that he will be one day be President.


Governor Perry helped to round-up all hospital personnel who had come into contact with the infected man, including unfortunate filing clerks who had touched the infected patient’s records.

The crisis erupted when it became known that a Dallas man infected with Ebola went to the emergency room to report his symptoms and told a nurse that he had been to West Africa. He was told to take two aspirin, call his doctor in the morning, and sent home to enjoy a nice dinner with his family.

He returned via ambulance two days later and immediately placed in an isolation unit.

Bloomberg’s Kelly Gilblom and Michelle Fay Cortez reported that:

The two-day gap, during which the man was in the community and contagious, occurred because “regretfully, that information was not fully communicated” to other health professionals, said Mark Lester, a hospital system official speaking at a news conference in Dallas today.

“As a result, the full import of that information was not factored into the clinical decision-making,” Lester said…

This isn't the first time Governor Perry accidentally depleted his base. At a photo op in 2009 at the Sam Houston School for the Orphans of Rodeo Clowns, Perry mowed down an entire 3rd grade class with what he thought was a toy machine gun

Governor Perry insisted on personally executing the “incompetent” members of the emergency room staff that let the infected patient loose in the first place

In the Dallas case, the man was in contact with school-age children at some point after arriving in the U.S. according to Texas Governor Rick Perry, who also spoke during the news conference.

“Let me assure you that those children have been identified and imprisoned along with all those damn illegal kids from Central America,” Perry said. “This way, we kill two birds with one stone, which is a time-honored Texas tradition.”

“I’d like to remind everyone in this room that I always said those little brown kids were a threat to our well-being, and damn if it don’t turn out that I was right all along!”

According to Dr. Christopher Perkins of the Dallas Dept. of Health and Human Services, there were five people in the patient’s household  and up to 18 other individuals who came into contact with him, including five students.

Dallas health officials are concerned that one or more of the patient’s contacts may have become infected.


Governor Perry is currently circling the skies over Dallas in a National Guard aircraft looking for individuals who may exhibit symptoms of the dread disease. Orders have been issued to all law enforcement agencies to add white people with nosebleeds to their “shoot on sight” list which already includes black male teenagers and “suspicious Mexicans.”

Dr. David Lakey, commissioner of the Texas Department of State Health Services noted at the press conference, “They now have a whole ward that’s dedicated to the care of this individual. It’s just too bad the dumb asses at the hospital ever let him roam around the community in the first place.”

“Professionals who claim to be very competent are doing it in a safe environment with compassionate care,” he said. “This is not West Africa, this is a very sophisticated city, a very sophisticated hospital, in a very sophisticated state that lets people walk around with machine guns on their back while shopping for groceries and genital wart cream. The chances of it being spread are very, very small because Governor Perry has already either imprisoned or executed anyone who could possibly have been exposed.”

As the presser was coming to a close, Governor Perry grabbed the mike and said in closing, “I’d like all the citizens of the United States to know that this whole mess could have been avoided had it not been for Obamacare. I’d also like to announce to the public that I have created a blue-ribbon commission to look into just how this unfortunate incident may be in some way related to the tragedy in Benghazi. Thank you and don’t forget to wash your hands at least 200 times a day until this crisis is over.”

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