Beersheba Bill Fails To See His Shadow; Israel Safe For Six More Weeks


SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Everyone is well aware of the exploits of the famous American groundhog Punxsutawney Phil in Pennsylvania, but today Beersheba Bill, Israel’s most respected wombat, took center stage as he emerged from his blast shelter just outside Beersheba.

Beersheba Bill nervously emerged from his multi-million dollar missile-proof shelter, and much to the delight of crowds gathered to get a glimpse of the elusive quadrupedal marsupial, Bill failed to see his shadow. Relief was evident on the faces of members of the Knesset and high-ranking generals of the IDF who were in attendance.


During Rosh Hashanah in 1973 Haifa Hank saw his shadow and correctly predicted the Arab invasion that led to the Yom Kippur War. No one paid attention to him at the time and IDF forces were taken by surprise and very nearly driven into the sea. The IDF quickly rallied however, and kicked Arab ass for the next three weeks before Egypt and Syria finally called it quits. Hank now lives in a retirement home in Tel-Aviv

Bill has proved to be the most reliable in a long line of wombats thought to be predictors of Israel’s relative safety from Arab attack.

Each year during Rosh Hashanah, Bill has crawled from behind the blast-proof doors of his den in order to gauge the amount of sunlight in the vicinity of Beersheba, and thus predict the likelihood of another war with the enemies that surround Israel. He has been right on the money for the past 12 years running.

The tradition of relying on wombats dates back to 1973, when Haifa Hank correctly predicted the coordinated Arab attack that almost drove the IDF into the sea. At the time, IDF leaders considered the threat of war to be low.

Since then, wombat predictions have been taken very seriously by the Knesset and Israel’s military leaders. Of course IDF intelligence estimates are taken into account as well, and together they form the basis for decision-making regarding Israel’s military readiness.

Beersheba Bill’s failure to see his shadow will be celebrated nationwide tonight throughout a country sick to death of having to duck incoming missiles and constantly search for Hamas idiots sticking their heads up out of the sand after tunneling under the border.

Mazel tov Bill! See you next year!




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