When Idiots Collide

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Cyclists along the Emerald Coast are famous for their happy-go-lucky attitude when it comes sharing the road with moronic drivers from every state in the union. The combination all too often results in tragedy and new nominations for the Darwin Awards

SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – A senseless tragedy occurred on 30-A in South Walton over the weekend as yet another dumb-ass cyclist was crushed beneath the wheels of two SUV’s driven by cell phone-wielding drivers more intent on communicating useless information to relatives rather than paying attention to the road in front of them.

The slaughter occurred about one mile east of the intersection of 30-A and State Road 393.

Apparently Beavis Neoprenus, an FSU graduate student from Athens, Greece, was traveling west on 30-A, and like so many other cretinous cyclists, had steadfastly refused to ride on the available bike path in favor of the dangerous-as-hell passenger car lane.

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Some residents along 30-A and highway 98 have taken matters into their own hands by releasing hostile ungulates onto the roadway at odd intervals in order to discourage bike traffic

Meanwhile 85 year-old Greta McButt of nearby Fetid Swamp Retirement Village in DeFuniak Springs came barreling along at about twice the speed limit, knocking Neoprenus ten feet into the air and roughly forty feet from his starting position.

Neoprenus was protected from serious injury from the collision because he was wearing his fancy lightweight protective helmet. However, the expensive protective gear proved of little use when Cynthia Airhead of Panama City Beach ran straight over his skull with her 5000 lb Tahoe. Airhead failed to see Neoprenus lying in the road because she was simultaneously texting her boyfriend and attempting to light her crack pipe with a Zippo.

The unfortunate Neoprenus was pronounced dead at the scene by Deputy Billy Bob McSneed of Melanoma Beach. An investigation is underway as to whether any charges will be filed against McButt or Airhead.

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“It’s all fun and games to these cyclists who laugh and wave at honking motorists until one of them gives the finger to the wrong machete-wielding redneck,” said Sheriff Buttplug

“We see this special form of idiocy all the time down at the beach,” said Walton County Sheriff Buford T. Buttplug. “We have all these dim wits from all over the country coming down here getting drunk and weaving all over the road. When you combine that with the native population, most of whom failed to make it past 6th grade, it makes for very dangerous cycling conditions. I mean, everyone knows that automobiles need to share the road with bikes, but when a cyclist insists on riding on the highway when there is a perfectly good and safe  bike path two feet away, well, it’s just stupid. It would be like insisting on taking a Malaysian Airlines flight when Delta goes to the same destination. I just don’t understand these freaks.”

A ceremony and candlelight vigil for the unfortunate Neoprenus is scheduled to take place in the median of busy Highway 98 at 3 A.M on Saturday night, when the maximum number of drunken and incompetent motorists will be able to view the event and be reminded that they must share the road with other idiots. Cyclists from all over the county are expected to attend.

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Neoprenus lost his life while doing what he loved most, taking stupid chances by cycling inches away from huge vehicles traveling at high speed. His family back in Greece can take solace in the fact that his friends in the states have erected an idiotic shrine for him close to where his head was turned into a gelatinous mush.

5 thoughts on “When Idiots Collide

  1. This is a horrible blog. Regardless of your opinion on road etiquette you have a sick way of dealing with this issue. Shame on you friend, learn to feel empathy.

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