SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Omar Gonzalez, the gentleman who jumped the White House fence on Friday, apparently ruined a much-anticipated and long-awaited Secret Service mixer with the female staff of the Brazilian Embassy. He is currently being detained by the Capitol Police.
Apparently Mr. Gonzalez was able to jump over the fence and run all the way into the White House, easily sidestepping millions of dollars worth of security, because Secret Service personnel were occupied preparing the dance hall and the Lincoln bedroom for their scantily clad guests from South America.
“The boss had just left on the chopper, the band was warming up, and we were in the process of setting up a wine and cheese bar when this moron jumps the fence and ruins everything,” said Walter “Wild Man” Whitman, a 20-year veteran of the Service.
“I was really looking forward to seeing the gals Madam Fifi was sending over for the party. Everyone on earth knows that Brazilian women have phenomenal butts!”
The Secret Service officers had apparently met Madam Fifi and some of her employees while protecting Vice President Biden at the World Cup this summer.
“We just can’t get enough of that South American poontang,” said Officer Whitman, who hails from Austin, Texas. “I can tell you from experience there just ain’t nothin’ like it. I’m here to tell you, all you stuffed-shirt anti-immigration dudes out are really missin’ out!”
Gonzalez’ “leap of faith” is only one in a series of security breaches involving the White House in recent years. Several mental midgets have jumped the fence and run around the White House grounds like squirrels on crack, and one or two have even made it inside to state dinners.
Gonzalez himself has been pulled over several times in his vehicle while carrying hatchets, machetes, shotguns, hundreds of rounds of ammo, a map of the White House, and a well-worn copy of Assassination For Dummies.
What puzzles the White House press corps is why Gonzalez has never been arrested before Friday. Sheriff R.W.
Scrotum of Fairfax County Virginia explained:
“Mr Gonzalez has been pulled over several times by my deputies but we never had any grounds to hold him,” said Scrotum. “He was only carrying some hunting knives, couple of assault rifles, a few grenades, and an RPG. I mean, it wasn’t like he had any drugs or cash on him or anything.”
Mr. Gonzalez is set to be arraigned later this week for trespassing on government property and the more serious charge of obstructing and interfering with federal officers while in the process of partying.