THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Police are desperately trying to identify a middle-aged white male who has been showing up at parties in southern California and spiking food and drinks with some form of high-powered blotter acid. Law enforcement officials have so far been stymied because the individual always shows up dressed as Shakes the Clown.
Known in Los Angeles as “Mr. Happy” or “Zarathustra” by more enlightened members of the community, the man refers to himself as “Flashback The Clown,” and tells party goers that he has been hired as entertainment by the homeowner. He then proceeds to clandestinely dump copious quantities of hallucinogens into any available foodstuffs or liquids offered by the host.
“Mr. Happy” then just sits on the sidelines and smiles as chaos ensues.
Victim Claire Cueball related her story to Fox News after being dosed at a quiet get-together over the weekend.
“It was terrifying! One minute we’re all just sitting there having fun discussing politics and Justin Bieber, and then the next minute I’m seeing velociraptors scurry around in the scrub behind the house,” said Cueball. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same. My husband still has scales and gives off a pale green aura if I look at him too long.”
LAPD public relations officer Edith “Kill the Poor” Adams told reporters that it was vital that the prankster be stopped before he does some real damage.
“We have not experienced this level of fear in the community since the Illinois Enema Bandit made an appearance here in the late 70’s. I mean, it’s all well and good for folks to start disrobing and playing Europe 72 over and over again until dawn, but we’re scared to death that some of these people will get in their cars and start roaming the interstates. This dude has to be stopped!”