THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – NCAA investigators revealed today that Alabama back-up quarterback Jacob Coker could have been exposed to lead-based paint during his time at FSU, which could account for his complete inability to understand even the most basic plays in Bama’s new offense.
The paint was found throughout the athletic dorm at Florida State, and was badly peeled in some places. Authorities believe that several athletes have been exposed over long periods of time and some may have even inadvertently consumed the paint on pizzas and other take-out foods eaten in the dorm.
“Well this finding really explains a lot,” said Lane Kiffin, Bama’s new offensive coordinator. “I mean Jesus, I can’t even signal in a simple hand off to a running back without getting that damn ‘deer in the headlights’ look from Jake. It’s getting really ridiculous, and Coach Saban is just about ready to rip my head off. This will provide us with an excellent excuse to move another QB into the back-up role.”
Florida State head coach Jimbo Fisher was also relieved upon hearing the news, as it may help to explain some of Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston’s bizarre and shocking off-field behavior.
“For a while now we thought Jameis was on some sort of weird drug that did not show up in our tox screens, or that he had some variation on Tourette’s syndrome that gave him the urge to shout sexual epithets while standing on tables in the student union,” said Fisher. “Now at least we can seek medical treatment for him. I tell you, the coaching staff is of sick worrying that he might steal more crustaceans or scream some sexual obscenity while in public.”
“We are taking bids to have the athletic dorm stripped and repainted over the Christmas holidays,” continued Fisher, “that way we can at least try to keep the criminal activity down to the manageable levels we are used to here at Florida State.”
Although Winston’s level of exposure is thought to be serious enough to warrant treatment, the FSU staff think he can continue playing and finish the season. However, Coach Saban is not so optimistic concerning Coker’s future at Alabama.
“I’m sorry but I don’t have the patience to deal with this idiot for one more minute,” said Saban. “I need a quarterback who can at least memorize five or six plays. If we don’t get Coker off the team soon, the NCAA may be investigating a wrongful death case here.”