Frustrated By Today’s Loss To Aston Villa, Mario Balotelli Pledges To “Get Medieval On Their Ass”


THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference just after today’s 1-nil loss to Aston Villa at Anfield, Liverpool striker Mario Balotelli told reporters that he plans on “getting medieval on their ass” the next time the two clubs meet.


Balotelli effectively declared war on all other teams within the league

Balotelli, along with the rest of the Liverpool offense, looked anemic against a well-organized Aston Villa defense which frustrated the men in red for most of the game.

Balotelli was manhandled and abused by Villa’s defenders, who for most of the game did not have to worry with defending the lightning-fast Raheem Sterling, who rode the bench until late in the second half. Also missing was the creative Daniel Sturridge who is out due to injury.


Known for his temper tantrums both on and off the field, Balotelli has run into trouble with football’s governing bodies on several occasions

Super Mario looked anything but in the performance, but he pledged that the next time he was on the pitch, things would be different.


Balotelli was once suspended for five games for kidnapping the opposing goalkeeper’s infant during a match while he was at AC Milan

“Let us have a dagger in our teeth, a bomb in our hands, and infinite scorn in our hearts when we travel to West Ham next week,” said Balotelli, paraphrasing one of his heroes, Benito Mussolini. “War alone brings up to their highest tension all human energies and imposes the stamp of nobility upon the teams that have the courage to make it, and I am declaring war on the rest of the Premier League!”

“It is humiliating to remain with our hands folded while others write history. It matters little who wins. To make a team great it is necessary to send it to battle even if you have to kick it in the shorts. That is what I shall do. Inactivity is death!” screamed Balotelli as he strutted around the podium like a rooster with a mohawk.


Although Balotelli has often been in trouble with managers and league officials, his good taste has never been questioned

Although he shared Balotelli’s disgust with his team’s performance Liverpool manager Brendon Rodgers could shed no light on Balotelli’s obsession with fascist dictatorships.

“I have no fucking clue what the dude is talking about,” said Rodgers. “I just wish the son of bitch would mark his man better during corner kicks.”

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