THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Speaking during a press conference he called while attending the Value Voters Summit this weekend in Washington, D.C., Lucifer, Prince of Darkness and Lord of the Underworld, flatly denied accusations that he was in fact gay.
The press conference was apparently called in response to Pastor Dwight McKissic’s claims made during a speech on Saturday.
During the hate-filled speech aimed at America’s gay community, the insecure and gluttonous McKissic called the gay rights movement a “Satanic” effort birthed “from the pit of Hell itself,” before suggesting “the Antichrist himself may be homosexual.”
McKissic has made news before with wild and idiotic statements, like claiming that Hurricane Katrina was “the wrath of God descended on New Orleans as payment for its many sins.” Pastor McKissic did not reveal why God waited so long to act, since New Orleans has been a din of iniquity dating back to its roots as a slave market in the early 1800’s.
Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told assembled journalists before the presser that “His Majesty felt that he needed to meet these slanderous homosexual accusations head-on and nip them in the bud.”
“I have always been a strong supporter of Focus on the Family, the American Family Association, the Family Research Council, and other Christian fascist organizations bent on turning the United States into some sort of hideous theocracy that stifles minority opinions and lifestyles in favor of their archaic and ignorant views concerning society and the future of our great nation,” said Mephistopheles.
“The Bible clearly states that homosexuals, unfaithful wives, atheists, misbehaving kids, and black teenage males should be stoned to death in the village square, and that is a policy that we demons can unequivocally support,” said Beelzebub.
“I want all my friends on the Christian Right to know that they need not worry about our continued moral and monetary support. I could not do a better job of spreading hatred against gays, immigrants, Muslims, or racial minorities if I was up here doing it myself, so keep up the good work guys!”
Pastor McKissic called his own presser in order to respond to Satan’s statements.
“Sure, the Angel of Darkness generously offered his continued support of our backward-ass and unenlightened organizations, but he never did flatly deny that he was gay,” said the Right Reverend McKissic. “I think it’s high time that Old Nick came out of his subterranean closet and showed us his true nature so voters can make informed decisions on his political future.”
The Values Voter Summit was deemed a great success by all those who participated, and many of the unhinged ideas spouted by the illustrious lineup of wingnut right-wing speakers will no doubt be incorporated into the 2016 Republican presidential platform.