Satan Strenously Denies Homosexuality Claims

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Speaking during a press conference he called while attending the Value Voters Summit this weekend in Washington, D.C., Lucifer, Prince of Darkness and Lord of the Underworld, flatly denied accusations that he was in fact gay.

The press conference was apparently called in response to Pastor Dwight McKissic’s claims made during a speech on Saturday.

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Although he usually lurks in the shadows, Lucifer made his presence known at the conference because felt that his public support would give it a boost

During the hate-filled speech aimed at America’s gay community, the insecure and gluttonous McKissic called the gay rights movement a “Satanic” effort birthed “from the pit of Hell itself,” before suggesting “the Antichrist himself may be homosexual.”

McKissic has made news before with wild and idiotic statements, like claiming that Hurricane Katrina was “the wrath of God descended on New Orleans as payment for its many sins.” Pastor McKissic did not reveal why God waited so long to act, since New Orleans has been a din of iniquity dating back to its roots as a slave market in the early 1800’s.

Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told assembled journalists before the presser that “His Majesty felt that he needed to meet these slanderous homosexual accusations head-on and nip them in the bud.”

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Satan stressed that he has always been an advocate of traditional forms of marriage that now boast a divorce rate of nearly 50%. “I’ve always loved kids and they love me,” said the Devil. “I can’t think of a better way to win new converts than through a nasty, bitter divorce that makes kids wonder why the hell they were brought into this world in the first place.”

“I have always been a strong supporter of Focus on the Family, the American Family Association, the Family Research Council, and other Christian fascist organizations bent on turning the United States into some sort of hideous theocracy that stifles minority opinions and lifestyles in favor of their archaic and ignorant views concerning society and the future of our great nation,” said Mephistopheles.

“The Bible clearly states that homosexuals, unfaithful wives, atheists, misbehaving kids, and black teenage males should be stoned to death in the village square, and that is a policy that we demons can unequivocally support,” said Beelzebub.

“I want all my friends on the Christian Right to know that they need not worry about our continued moral and monetary support. I could not do a better job of spreading hatred against gays, immigrants, Muslims, or racial minorities if I was up here doing it myself, so keep up the good work guys!”

Pastor McKissic called his own presser in order to respond to Satan’s statements.

“Sure, the Angel of Darkness generously offered his continued support of our backward-ass and unenlightened organizations, but he never did flatly deny that he was gay,” said the Right Reverend McKissic. “I think it’s high time that Old Nick came out of his subterranean closet and showed us his true nature so voters can make informed decisions on his political future.”

The Values Voter Summit was deemed a great success by all those who participated, and many of the unhinged ideas spouted by the illustrious lineup of wingnut right-wing speakers will no doubt be incorporated into the 2016 Republican presidential platform.

 

ISIS Launches New Dating Site For Lonely Jihadists

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TerroristMingle.com offers a huge selection of eligible ungulates that the amorous jihadist can meet in person before escorting him or her to the nearest bunker or escape tunnel.

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Over the last six months ISIS has proved to be on the “cutting edge” of terrorist organizations in many ways. Their use of social media as a propaganda tool, for example, is the envy of the uncivilized world. However, their latest effort outshines all of their previous projects by a long shot.

Last week Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the innovative band of degenerate religious zealots, announced the launch of a dating site that would be available for his weary and often desperate troops.

The new site is called TerroristMingle.com, and any jihadist who pledges to remain faithful unto death to ISIS’ insane doctrine will be able to take advantage of its services.

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The site offers a complete rundown of each individual’s talents and background as well as photographs of the potential lover dressed in provocative lingerie. That way, a terrorist can choose a real soul mate to spend some time with before he is incinerated by Hellfire missiles from Allied ground attack aircraft.

At a press conference held in his multi-million dollar bunker in eastern Syria al-Baghdadi (whose complete name is Ibrahim ibn Awwad ibn Ibrahim ibn Ali ibn Muhammad al-Badri al-Samarrai-who the hell thinks up this shit?) explained the thinking behind the exciting new website.

“We all know how exhausting going on jihad can be,” said al-Baghdadi.

“Raping, pillaging, robbing banks, taking airfields and capturing planes that we have no fucking clue how to fly can wear out even the most seasoned Neolithic thug. We tried to let the boys blow off steam by beheading the occasional Christian journalist, but that just exhausted them even more, so we decided to take advantage of all the livestock we’ve stolen from our fellow Muslims and set up this dating site.”

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Rumor has it that ISIS plans on opening a chain of “Udder Bars” like those that have been so successful in Damascus.

The site has proved an instant hit with over 5,000 filthy, stinking, pig-dog terrorists signing up in just the last four days. In fact, the site has been so successful that high-ranking officials in both al-Qaeda and the Taliban are scrambling to get their own dating sites up.

“We don’t want to be left in the dust like we were by all those recruiting videos on YouTube,” said Abu Akmar Muhammad Ali Skyhook, Vice President of Public Relations for Taliban Enterprises. “Some of our best fighters are fleeing the tribal areas and heading over to Iraq for a good time. We just can’t afford to lose any more subhuman monsters to those upstarts in ISIS. Otherwise, how can we perpetrate the abominations we’ve come to be famous for?”

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al-Baghdadi brushed aside criticisms from NOW and PETA that the new website is degrading to ungulate females. “Every woman has to take off her burqa sooner or later,” he said, “and remember, this is for a good cause.”

ISIS officials could not be happier with the rollout of the new site, and more ingenious and enlightened ways of entertaining the troops are sure to follow.

“I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but we have bought up several bomb-proof nightclubs in the Mosul area and are planning on turning them into pleasure palaces for the boys,” said al-Baghdadi. “You know the first rule of brutal conquest and oppressive governance is that you have to keep your cannon fodder happy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beersheba Bill Fails To See His Shadow; Israel Safe For Six More Weeks

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Everyone is well aware of the exploits of the famous American groundhog Punxsutawney Phil in Pennsylvania, but today Beersheba Bill, Israel’s most respected wombat, took center stage as he emerged from his blast shelter just outside Beersheba.

Beersheba Bill nervously emerged from his multi-million dollar missile-proof shelter, and much to the delight of crowds gathered to get a glimpse of the elusive quadrupedal marsupial, Bill failed to see his shadow. Relief was evident on the faces of members of the Knesset and high-ranking generals of the IDF who were in attendance.

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During Rosh Hashanah in 1973 Haifa Hank saw his shadow and correctly predicted the Arab invasion that led to the Yom Kippur War. No one paid attention to him at the time and IDF forces were taken by surprise and very nearly driven into the sea. The IDF quickly rallied however, and kicked Arab ass for the next three weeks before Egypt and Syria finally called it quits. Hank now lives in a retirement home in Tel-Aviv

Bill has proved to be the most reliable in a long line of wombats thought to be predictors of Israel’s relative safety from Arab attack.

Each year during Rosh Hashanah, Bill has crawled from behind the blast-proof doors of his den in order to gauge the amount of sunlight in the vicinity of Beersheba, and thus predict the likelihood of another war with the enemies that surround Israel. He has been right on the money for the past 12 years running.

The tradition of relying on wombats dates back to 1973, when Haifa Hank correctly predicted the coordinated Arab attack that almost drove the IDF into the sea. At the time, IDF leaders considered the threat of war to be low.

Since then, wombat predictions have been taken very seriously by the Knesset and Israel’s military leaders. Of course IDF intelligence estimates are taken into account as well, and together they form the basis for decision-making regarding Israel’s military readiness.

Beersheba Bill’s failure to see his shadow will be celebrated nationwide tonight throughout a country sick to death of having to duck incoming missiles and constantly search for Hamas idiots sticking their heads up out of the sand after tunneling under the border.

Mazel tov Bill! See you next year!

 

 

 

When Idiots Collide

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Cyclists along the Emerald Coast are famous for their happy-go-lucky attitude when it comes sharing the road with moronic drivers from every state in the union. The combination all too often results in tragedy and new nominations for the Darwin Awards

SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – A senseless tragedy occurred on 30-A in South Walton over the weekend as yet another dumb-ass cyclist was crushed beneath the wheels of two SUV’s driven by cell phone-wielding drivers more intent on communicating useless information to relatives rather than paying attention to the road in front of them.

The slaughter occurred about one mile east of the intersection of 30-A and State Road 393.

Apparently Beavis Neoprenus, an FSU graduate student from Athens, Greece, was traveling west on 30-A, and like so many other cretinous cyclists, had steadfastly refused to ride on the available bike path in favor of the dangerous-as-hell passenger car lane.

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Some residents along 30-A and highway 98 have taken matters into their own hands by releasing hostile ungulates onto the roadway at odd intervals in order to discourage bike traffic

Meanwhile 85 year-old Greta McButt of nearby Fetid Swamp Retirement Village in DeFuniak Springs came barreling along at about twice the speed limit, knocking Neoprenus ten feet into the air and roughly forty feet from his starting position.

Neoprenus was protected from serious injury from the collision because he was wearing his fancy lightweight protective helmet. However, the expensive protective gear proved of little use when Cynthia Airhead of Panama City Beach ran straight over his skull with her 5000 lb Tahoe. Airhead failed to see Neoprenus lying in the road because she was simultaneously texting her boyfriend and attempting to light her crack pipe with a Zippo.

The unfortunate Neoprenus was pronounced dead at the scene by Deputy Billy Bob McSneed of Melanoma Beach. An investigation is underway as to whether any charges will be filed against McButt or Airhead.

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“It’s all fun and games to these cyclists who laugh and wave at honking motorists until one of them gives the finger to the wrong machete-wielding redneck,” said Sheriff Buttplug

“We see this special form of idiocy all the time down at the beach,” said Walton County Sheriff Buford T. Buttplug. “We have all these dim wits from all over the country coming down here getting drunk and weaving all over the road. When you combine that with the native population, most of whom failed to make it past 6th grade, it makes for very dangerous cycling conditions. I mean, everyone knows that automobiles need to share the road with bikes, but when a cyclist insists on riding on the highway when there is a perfectly good and safe  bike path two feet away, well, it’s just stupid. It would be like insisting on taking a Malaysian Airlines flight when Delta goes to the same destination. I just don’t understand these freaks.”

A ceremony and candlelight vigil for the unfortunate Neoprenus is scheduled to take place in the median of busy Highway 98 at 3 A.M on Saturday night, when the maximum number of drunken and incompetent motorists will be able to view the event and be reminded that they must share the road with other idiots. Cyclists from all over the county are expected to attend.

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Neoprenus lost his life while doing what he loved most, taking stupid chances by cycling inches away from huge vehicles traveling at high speed. His family back in Greece can take solace in the fact that his friends in the states have erected an idiotic shrine for him close to where his head was turned into a gelatinous mush.

White House Intruder Crashes Secret Service Shindig

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Omar Gonzalez, the gentleman who jumped the White House fence on Friday, apparently ruined a much-anticipated and long-awaited Secret Service mixer with the female staff of the Brazilian Embassy. He is currently being detained by the Capitol Police.

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Gonzalez, thought to be living out of his car, later apologized to the Secret Service for ruining their get-together and insisted he was only there to assassinate the President

Apparently Mr. Gonzalez was able to jump over the fence and run all the way into the White House, easily sidestepping millions of dollars worth of security, because Secret Service personnel were occupied preparing the dance hall and the Lincoln bedroom for their scantily clad guests from South America.

“The boss had just left on the chopper, the band was warming up, and we were in the process of setting up a wine and cheese bar when this moron jumps the fence and ruins everything,” said Walter “Wild Man” Whitman, a 20-year veteran of the Service.

“I was really looking forward to seeing the gals Madam Fifi was sending over for the party. Everyone on earth knows that Brazilian women have phenomenal butts!”

The Secret Service officers had apparently met Madam Fifi and some of her employees while protecting Vice President Biden at the World Cup this summer.

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Secret Service personnel apparently met Madam Fifi and some of her “employees” while protecting Vice President Biden at the World Cup

“We just can’t get enough of that South American poontang,” said Officer Whitman, who hails from Austin, Texas. “I can tell you from experience there just ain’t nothin’ like it. I’m here to tell you, all you stuffed-shirt anti-immigration dudes out are really missin’ out!”

Gonzalez’ “leap of faith” is only one in a series of security breaches involving the White House in recent years. Several mental midgets have jumped the fence and run around the White House grounds like squirrels on crack, and one or two have even made it inside to state dinners.

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The unfortunate Gonzalez incident is not expected to put a damper on the annual Secret Service Halloween costume party, a perennial favorite with rookie officers

Gonzalez himself has been pulled over several times in his vehicle while carrying hatchets, machetes, shotguns, hundreds of rounds of ammo, a map of the White House, and a well-worn copy of Assassination For Dummies.

What puzzles the White House press corps is why Gonzalez has never been arrested before Friday. Sheriff R.W.

Scrotum of Fairfax County Virginia explained:

“Mr Gonzalez has been pulled over several times by my deputies but we never had any grounds to hold him,” said Scrotum. “He was only carrying some hunting knives, couple of assault rifles, a few grenades, and an RPG. I mean, it wasn’t like he had any drugs or cash on him or anything.”

Mr. Gonzalez is set to be arraigned later this week for trespassing on government property and the more serious charge of obstructing and interfering with federal officers while in the process of partying.

 

Hannity Reveals Miserable Childhood Of Abuse And Torture At Hands Of Sadistic Father

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Last Wednesday Fox News host Sean Hannity revealed to a stunned audience that he had a Kafkaesque childhood filled with physical abuse, torture, and intimidation at the hands of a cruel and sadistic father.

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Hannity’s guests were taken aback as the unhinged host repeatedly beat his desk while screaming “Take that, you little bastard! Next time you better pick up your dirty socks and put them in the washing machine!”

The subject came up as a result of Hannity’s position regarding NFL running back Adrian Peterson’s recent suspension by the Minnesota Vikings for injuring his child with a tree branch. Hannity made a very animated case for Peterson avoiding jail time, stating “every parent has a right under the U.S. Constitution to beat the shit out of their kids anytime they damn well please!”

Peterson is also suspected of injuring a second child.

Hannity’s outburst came during an “NFL Under Fire” roundtable featuring three panelists: Psychotherapist Dr. Robi Ludwig, Fox News legal analyst Mercedes Colwin and Daily National sports editor Mike Bako.

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Hannity’s dad Ivan often water-boarded Sean and Sybil as punishment for wetting the bed

Hannity, 52, described how his father dished out corporal punishment while he was a youngster on Long Island. He casually unbuckled his belt, folded it in half and wrapped it around his right hand.

“I got it like this,” said Hannity as he hit the leather strap against the news desk. Hannity whacked his belt across the desk three times. Spittle flew from Hannity’s mouth and his eye began twitching as he continued the demonstration.  “And I deserved it. I was a troubled kid.”

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Hannity’s dad perfected his techniques by practicing on prostitutes he lured into the home on weekends

“I got hit with a strap, ‘bam, bam, bam,’ … by my father,” Hannity explained as he opened the next segment. “I would tell you that I deserved it, and I’ve never been to a shrink because of it!”

Hannity went on to explain that his father had a wide variety of punishments he meted out for even the smallest infractions.

“My father punched me right in the face when I talked back to him, and I deserved it,” said Hannity, and when I failed to mow the yard properly Dad would stake me out in the backyard naked and let ants crawl over me in the hot sun, and man did I ever deserve it!”

Hannity’s father, Ivan “The Terrible” Hannity, was a great believer in corporal punishment and had a life-long obsession with techniques and devices perfected by the Marquis de Sade and representatives of the Catholic Church during the Inquisition.

“Dad started out with thumbscrews when my sister and I were infants, and worked his way up to the rack and the Judas chair as we grew older,” said Hannity. “His favorite was the Brazen Bull he had hidden in the barn out behind the house, but he only put us in there when we had done something really horrible, like forgetting to let the dog out to urinate.”

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Hannity’s sister Sybil currently lives in the Trenton Home For The Criminally Insane in Trenton, New Jersey. Sean visits her every Sunday so that they can pray together and ask God for forgiveness for being such horrible children

“I can tell you unequivocally that my sister and I richly deserved all the physical and psychological scars that we now carry as adults, and you better believe that our own kids are treated just like we were. I want my kids to grow up as well-adjusted and sexually secure adults just like me and Sybil.”

Hannity’s sister Sybil currently resides in the Trenton Home For The Criminally Insane in New Jersey.

In an interview with Psychology Today the day after the show, Dr. Ludwig said that Hannity’s hideous childhood probably accounts for his extreme insecurity and inability to listen to opposing points of view.

“Hannity exhibits all the hallmarks of an abused child and ‘battered person syndrome,'” said Ludwig. “He believes that he is infallible no matter how ridiculous his positions are, and is just psychologically unable to experience feelings that normal people take for granted, such as empathy and compassion. Boy, has he found a home with Fox News. I’d say it’s the only reason he has not ended up in prison or in an institution like his poor sister Sybil.”

Meanwhile, the branch-wielding Peterson remains suspended until his case is heard in court and is not expected to be a part of the Minnesota Viking’s future. He is reportedly interviewing for a position as a child-rearing expert guest for Fox.

Evil Clown Stalks Party Goers In Southern California

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Police are desperately trying to identify a middle-aged white male who has been showing up at parties in southern California and spiking food and drinks with some form of high-powered blotter acid. Law enforcement officials have so far been stymied because the individual always shows up dressed as Shakes the Clown.

Known in Los Angeles as “Mr. Happy” or “Zarathustra” by more enlightened members of the community, the man refers to himself as “Flashback The Clown,” and tells party goers that he has been hired as entertainment by the homeowner. He then proceeds to clandestinely dump copious quantities of hallucinogens into any available foodstuffs or liquids offered by the host.

“Mr. Happy” then just sits on the sidelines and smiles as chaos ensues.

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Although “Flashback” has not yet been positively identified, authorities believe he could be one of these three gentlemen photographed at an Amateur Chemists League reunion in the Bay Area last spring

Victim Claire Cueball related her story to Fox News after being dosed at a quiet get-together over the weekend.

“It was terrifying! One minute we’re all just sitting there having fun discussing politics and Justin Bieber, and then the next minute I’m seeing velociraptors scurry around in the scrub behind the house,” said Cueball. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same. My husband still has scales and gives off a pale green aura if I look at him too long.”

LAPD public relations officer Edith “Kill the Poor” Adams told reporters that it was vital that the prankster be stopped before he does some real damage.

“We have not experienced this level of fear in the community since the Illinois Enema Bandit made an appearance here in the late 70’s. I mean, it’s all well and good for folks to start disrobing and playing Europe 72 over and over again until dawn, but we’re scared to death that some of these people will get in their cars and start roaming the interstates. This dude has to be stopped!”