THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A rogue scorpion believed to be a member of the splinter group “Pincer Power” has detonated a car bomb just outside the city limits of Ducktown (A Quacking Good Place) Tennessee this afternoon in what officials are claiming is an effort to undermine the fragile truce between opposing factions at the Cabin Anthrax.
The bomb went off as Jerry Dickerson (owner and proprietor of Cabin Anthrax) was returning from a journey to his friendly Ducktown Piggly Wiggly store. No casualties have as yet been reported, but Dickerson was said to be shaken by the incident.
“I just was not prepared for such a savage attack within the confines of my own vehicle,” Dickerson told CT&P reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker. “I normally wear tennis shoes or my stylish Merrill water footwear for these trips, but today I was clad in sandals. It gave the little bastard all the bare flesh he could want as a target.”
The identity of the scorpion is clouded in mystery but officials from the Arthropod Authority believe him to be a radical performance artist known only as “Notorious Stinga.”
“Stinga” is well known around Murphy for his anarchist ballads and subversive lyrics. He is backed by three scorpion teenagers that form a thuggish percussion section that drum out an inhuman low frequency beat using their 18 legs.
“He is leading our youth astray with this ‘Stinga’ rap,” said a spokesman for the Authority. “Stinga has no respect for his elders and treats the females of our species like they were mere insects. No good can come of this violent low crawl music!”
The bomb went off on the top Dickerson’s highly attractive right foot, causing him to swerve into oncoming traffic and precipitating a torrent of foul language. However, being used to bites, pinches, and stings from a variety of house guests, Dickerson was able to regain control of the massive environmental nightmare he calls an SUV just in the nick time.
“I’m really sick to death of these zealots trying to ruin a beautiful relationship,” said Dickerson. “I think we just need to try harder so we can ‘all just get along.'”
The spokesman for the Arthropod Authority agreed, telling reporters that “Stinga” is now a wanted bug and is on the no-ride list.