Under Pressure From Feds, Ferguson Adopts Controversial “No Kill” Policy


THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Under pressure from the U.S. Justice Department, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon, and just about every decent person in the United States, the city of Ferguson Police Department has changed its “shoot unarmed black teenagers to death for no apparent reason” policy to one of “shoot unarmed black teenagers to death only when witnesses are not present.”

The new “no kill in public” policy is highly controversial within the nearly all white department. Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson told reporters that he almost had an internal riot on his hands when he informed the rank and file of the change of policy.


During an emotional press conference in which Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson openly wept, he announced that police officers in Ferguson could no longer mow down surrendering suspects. “This will mean that we have to totally retrain our force from the bottom up, and that will really cut into our budget” said Jackson. “It also probably means that we won’t be able to afford to purchase the tanks and warplanes we need to keep the peace around here. It’s just heartbreaking.”

“It is with great reluctance that I announce that Ferguson police officers will no longer be able to gun down black youths on a whim,” said Jackson. “I really see no reason to change a policy that has for decades worked so well for so many overwhelmingly white police departments across America, but the Feds have threatened to take back our machine guns and armored cars if we don’t do as they say, so we really have no choice.”

Jackson was clearly frustrated by the turn of events.

“Someone tell me just how in the hell are we supposed to intimidate and oppress minorities if we can’t run roughshod over their civil rights by occasionally blowing one of them away?”

Chief Jackson and others within the department apparently thought that the release of incriminating footage of a 7-11 being robbed by “a large black person” and the subsequent “grand theft” of a pack of Swisher Sweets would have been enough to get the rest of the country to agree with them that Michael Brown needed to be shot to death, but such was not the case.

“I really thought once we released that video of what was obviously a crime on par with the Rwandan genocide that all this crazy protest shit would calm down,” said Jackson. “I mean, it’s obvious to anyone that Michael Brown needed to be shot several times if only just to teach him and his buddies a lesson. We believe that the fact that he had his hands up and was surrendering when he was slaughtered drives the point home like nothing else could. I stand by the actions of my officer.”

Police chiefs from around the country wholeheartedly agreed.

Sheriff R.T. “Bloody” Scrotum of Bay County Florida told Fox News, “Them folks must be crazy up thar. I tell you what, down here in Florida we know how to keep colored folks in line. We don’t let ’em vote, and when one of ’em get’s too big for his britches, well then we just plant some evidence or take him on a sightseein’ trip to some squalid swamp up around the dog track. Down here, gators are a peace officer’s best friend.”

The U.S. Justice Department and the FBI are carrying out their own investigations of exactly what occurred in Ferguson last Saturday. Both organizations have long since given up on Florida.




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