THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – St. Louis Police Chief Jon “Bull Smegma” Belmar has approved the use of the county’s three Predator drones in an attempt to quell the continuing riots over the death of Michael Brown on Saturday. The drones are fully armed with AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, a suite of electronic surveillance gear, and loudspeakers that announce “Your right to peaceably assemble is not being violated” as target neighborhoods are being annihilated.
The first strikes occurred just before dawn this morning, when several minority neighborhoods in and around Ferguson were reduced to rubble after fiery explosions set home after home ablaze.
“We gotta teach these uppity negras just who is boss around here,” said Chief Belmar, as he sipped on an ice cold Budweiser. “I done asked ’em nicely not to protest at night, and I even let ’em ‘peaceably assemble’ like it says in the Constitution of the United States. But enough is enough. It’s time to put ’em back in their place.”
However, responsible adults from all over the U.S. disagree with Belmar, including reporters from major newspapers who have been arrested and state senators who were tear gassed during peaceful sit-ins and marches.
Representatives from the groups of protestors told CNN that it “is a little difficult to hold a peaceable protest march when cops dressed to go into battle in Iraq are aiming high powered rifles and machine guns at your head from the tops of tanks, and at the slightest provocation tear gas grenades are hurled into your midst.”
The complaints have had little effect on Belmar, however. In addition to the drones, he has placed the St. Louis County Air Force on high alert and his tactical nuclear missile force on Defcon 4, only one level away from all-out war.
“We are going to give these jungle bunnies one more chance,” said Belmar. “If they don’t return to the rubble that was once their homes we are going to put our wing of surplus B-52’s into action and carpet-bomb the whole damn city.”
“I want to assure all the good white people of St. Louis County that there is nothing, no matter how ridiculous, that we won’t do in order to get this situation under control. The best advice I can give to you Caucasian residents out there is to go on vacation or visit relatives until this thing is over, because I can’t guarantee that there won’t be some collateral damage if we have to nuke Ferguson.”