THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The tranquil atmosphere of Cabin Anthrax was broken early this morning when a scorpion, believed to be a member of the radical splinter group SAMAS (Scorpions Against Mankind and Other Shit) conducted a vicious attack on Dickerson’s ass.
Dickerson, who was sleeping peacefully at the time of the attack, told Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that “I was just settling down into a nice dream involving mushrooms and skinny dipping when out of the blue it feels like a knitting needle was shoved into my right cheek.”
The perpetrator, who has now been identified as Felix “The Stinger” Carolinianus, apparently gained access to Dickerson’s sofa through a hole in the screened deck and made his way through multiple layers of defenses consisting of trenches of adipose tissue and fearful rows of abatis constructed with excess body hair.
“The little motherfucker stung the hell out of me causing me to jump like a fucking kangaroo and break my fucking little toe on the fucking coffee table,” said Dickerson.
Although the unprovoked assault precipitated a 3 A.M seminar in the advanced use of foul language, the attack apparently does not threaten the long-term peace agreement signed last month between Dickerson and Marvin V. Carolinianus, leader of the scorpion tribe that lives inside the Cabin Anthrax.
“I want to stress to the public that Felix was a “bad apple” and acted entirely alone,” said Marvin, Felix’s uncle. “He became disillusioned a while back when his girlfriend left him and he dropped out of school. We’ve had our eye on him ever since he joined SAMAS. I guarantee that the little shit will be deported immediately.”
Dickerson told Becker that although the entire episode was unnerving and he never did get to “consummate” his dream sequence, “I guess anyone is allowed one mistake. I really love those little arthropods and I want to try to make this truce last.”
“I sincerely hope that we can work toward a lasting peace that will be beneficial to both parties. I just pray that in the future there will be no more attempts to sting me in the ass. I have what I consider to be a cute little scruffy butt, and I want to keep it that way.”