THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to the president have informed Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that Mr. Obama is recalling Secretary of State John Kerry from the Middle East and is planning to send Brick Top over to take his place.
“This is the second time we’ve had to recall that naive dufus from an international crisis zone and send in Brick Top to clean up the mess, and the president is pretty pissed off about it,” said the source, who wished to remain anonymous.
“The first time was when Putin made an absolute fool out of John over that whole Crimea mess. Now he’s over there bumbling around Israel and Gaza, and he’s threatening to go to Baghdad to try to ‘save’ the Iraqi government from itself. Everywhere this dude goes he makes things worse.”
“Only last week Bibi Netanyahu rang me up and begged for us to ‘get that idiot out of my reception area.'”
It seems that with the ground invasion of Gaza in full swing, Secretary Kerry was loitering around outside the prime minister’s office drinking a Tab and telling everyone he could corner that “the world was a complex and dangerous place.”
“Kerry is a good guy and he means well,” said the source, but he has a sixth-grade grasp of geopolitics. In short, Kerry has a ‘brilliant grasp of the obvious'”
Brick Top is scheduled to depart Dulles International aboard his private jet “Hog Farmer One” around noon today.
He was mobbed by reporters as he left his home in Georgetown early this morning. One reporter asked him to comment on Kerry being recalled.
Brick Top replied: “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.”
At Dulles Brick Top paused long enough to send a message to the unruly Arabs of the Middle East.
“I’m on my way over there my towel-headed pals, and I want that place nice and peaceful by the time my plane sets down in Tel Aviv.”
“And I have a special message for you wacked-out camel jockeys of ISIS. You are going to meet your nemesis. Do you know what ‘nemesis’ means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me!”