THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A spokesman for the Bachmann 2016 Campaign, who wished to remain anonymous, told our crack investigative journalist Bruce “The Coyote” Becker this morning that Michele Bachmann will be canceling the three remaining debates she had scheduled with Banjo, a 14-year-old terrier living in the Murphy, N.C. area.
The series of five debates, taking place in public forums around the southeast, was meant to have been a warm up for the upcoming presidential campaign in 2016.
“Our plan was to start Michele out debating someone her own speed, such as a dog or cat, so that she could gain confidence and sharpen her debating skills, before moving up to greater challenges such as gorillas, chimpanzees, and finally eighth graders,” said the spokesman.
However, things went awry when Banjo soundly spanked Bachmann in the first debate on the topic of healthcare in the United States.
“Michele took that defeat in stride,” said the spokesman, “because she is so used to having her ass handed to her during town meetings and in the halls of Congress. But when Banjo absolutely blew her away in the second debate, Michele just turned into a quivering mass of protoplasm.”
It seems that the topic of the second debate, immigration, is particularly close to Banjo’s heart because some of his ancestors crossed the border illegally from the Mexican state of Chihuahua. Despite this handicap, many have gone on to win “Best In Breed” at the Westminster Dog Show.
“Banjo just ripped her a new asshole,” continued the spokesman. “He pointed out that without immigrants America would be ‘just another half-assed banana republic with all the diversity of homogenized milk.'”
According to the transcript of the debate, Banjo pummeled Bachmann with statistics illuminating just how hard-working immigrants are, be they legal or illegal.
“Who the hell do you think picks all those vegetables and fruits you shove down your gullet at taxpayer’s expense during all those Washington parties, Bachmann?” said Banjo in one exchange.
The spokesman said that Bachmann had gone into some sort of fugue state precipitated by fear of the upcoming debate on foreign policy.
“Foreign policy is a subject about which Michele knows next to nothing,” said our anonymous source. “The last time she was asked to point out Iraq on a map she pointed to Australia. We just can’t risk another embarrassing thrashing by a canine.”
“I have advised Michele to forget about the idea of debate altogether, and leave that to the candidates with an IQ over 65. Instead she needs to stick to ideas that she can grasp, like her plan to put giant granite memorials listing the Ten Commandments on every town square in America, and her unhinged idea on how to solve the border crisis by taxing remittances 100%.”
“These concepts will stand her in good stead with her base, which includes all those simpletons in the Tea Party who cannot spell worth a fuck,” our source said.
Although Bachmann is a perennial favorite among the uneducated, she will face fierce competition from other dolts in the Republican party such as Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, and Louie Gohmert, who will all be vying for the ignorant homophobic cretin vote in 2016.