SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Donald Trump has won the coveted ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award for the third year running, according to a spokesman for the billionaire Pirhana Brothers, the libertarian captains of industry who sponsor the yearly award. The award is usually given to the conservative politician or pundit who makes the most outrageous and offensive comment to the press.
Having won the award in recent years for his idiotic comments concerning President Obama’s birth certificate and his illegitimacy as president, Trump went into this year’s race confident of his chances. However, he was given a run for his money by several seasoned morons renowned for their ability to spew remarks charged with racial hatred, xenophobia, sexual insecurity, and religious quackery.
As the deadline for contest entries approached last week, Trump was in a dead heat with such luminaries of ignorance as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.
However, Donald used his “trump” card masterfully at the last moment when he tweeted “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days—now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”
The statement catapulted Trump into the lead, and he followed it up with a devastating tweet the following day: “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”
The spokesman for the Pirhanas told the A.P. that after those two tweets, “Doug and Dinsdale were so impressed with Trump’s complete lack of compassion and empathy that there was no question who the winner was going to be. Although it has been a long spring filled with racial hatred and xenophobia on the right, particularly as regards those kids at the border, Trump was the hands-down winner again this year.”
The spokesman went on to say that Trump’s performance has been so superb this year that he could be in the running for a number of other Pirhana awards, such as the Huge White Penis Head Trophy for the most racially insensitive statement, the Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor Award for the most degrading comment concerning the nation’s homeless, the Ken Ham Memorial Huckster award for the most ludicrous statement in pseudo-science, and the Lifetime Achievement Award for Religious Hypocrisy, given for the most mean-spirited statements made during a career by a quasi Christian leader while evoking the name of Jesus of Nazareth.
Trump was his usual modest self as he accepted the sought-after prize. “I’d like to thank Doug and Dinsdale for this great honor and congratulate them on the wisdom and intelligence they have exhibited by selecting me as the winner. I am obviously one of the most obnoxious and idiotic hemorrhoids to ever walk the planet.”