SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – At a press conference today held at the Yasser Arafat High School and Rocket Storage Facility in Gaza City, commander of the “moderate” wing of Hamas’ military forces Abdul Mohommed Buttplug Skyhook announced that his forces will go ahead with a plan to strap infants, toddlers, women, elderly Alzheimer’s patients, and other non-combatants to outgoing rockets bound for Israel.
“We are suffering from a decline in numbers of Palestinian civilians volunteering to be human shields,” said Skyhook. “We feel that this step is necessary in order to show our resolve during this crisis.”
The latest flare-up in the continuing dispute between Israel and Hamas has claimed almost 1500 Palestinian lives, many of them women, children, and other non-combatants. The current conflict heated up after Israel finally had enough of daily rocket fire emanating from the Strip.
“There is only so much a people can tolerate without taking action,” said a spokesman for the IDF. “If some idiot were lobbing Molotov cocktails at your house every day would you sit there on your ass and do nothing?”
The most recent cease-fire agreement broke down today when the Hamas brain trust decided to kill two IDF soldiers and kidnap a third, resulting in heavy shelling of Rafah by Israeli forces and a renewed aggressive ground attack.
“We have to prove just how vicious and inhuman these Jews are,” said Skyhook. “We think that strapping our own children to our rockets so their dead bodies will be seen inside Israel will help us with our public relations effort around the world. The truth about these power-mad Zionists just has to be told.”
Skyhook achieved his high current position in the military wing of Hamas by blowing up several children’s holiday camps in Tel Aviv and murdering two of his own brothers who were ahead of him in the line of succession.