Jesus Mounts Mission To Rescue Randy Reptiles


SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – At an early morning press conference today just outside the Pearly Gates, a weary and frustrated Saint Peter announced to reporters that despite his best efforts at discouraging any interference with an already wacked-out Russian space program, Jesus has insisted on mounting a rescue mission to save five horny geckos currently in orbit around the earth.


Jesus’ love of reptiles dates back to his ministry to the dinosaurs over two thousand years ago

The Russian satellite containing the wayward reptiles was sent into space to understand the effects of weightlessness on sexual intercourse. Contact with the spacecraft was lost sometime during the traditional post-launch vodka chugging party and lingerie show at Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan.

Jesus felt action had to be taken because Russian engineers have been unable to re-establish communication and control of the satellite for over a week.


Ham the Astrochimp will pilot the rescue spacecraft

“Jesus is adamant about saving those damn geckos,” said Saint Peter. “Ever since his ministry to the dinosaurs over two thousand years ago, the Lord has had a soft spot in his heart, and some would say his brain, for reptiles of all types. He always told me that lizards were his favorite animals because they were much less devious and sinful than human beings.”

The planned rescue mission will be led by Saint Francis of Assisi with a recently resurrected Albert Schweitzer as second in command. Ham the Astrochimp of NASA fame will pilot the spacecraft sent to liberate the gregarious geckos.



“But Jesus called to the zookeeper and said ‘Suffer the little lizards to come unto me, and forbid them not: for verily I say unto you, what is the world if not my own personal terrarium?'” Matthew 19:14.069

The Russian satellite Foton-M4 was launched into space on July 19 with four female geckos and one male gecko, along with fruit flies, mushrooms and a bunch of weird and useless scientific gear.

The experiment was part of a research project conducted by Russia’s Institute of Medico-Biological Problems and Reptile Pornography. It was intended to answer once and for all the question burning in the minds of scientists all over the world: just how do lizards fuck in outer space?

According to scientists at the Russian space firm Progress, they were hoping to receive video footage of mating geckos to help them explain how zero gravity affects wild lizardlike sex. The videos were to be repackaged later with other reptilian porn and sold on the internet in order to fund the mission.

The Foton-M4 satellite can stay in orbit for up to four months during which the geckos are expected to continue the reptilian orgy.

The space agency Progress is trying hard to re-establish a connection with the satellite, reports added, just in case Jesus’ divine rescue mission fails.


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