THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held Friday at Billy Bob McSneed’s Barbecue and Assault Weapon Repair in Ducktown, TN., Marvin V. Carolinianus, patriarch of the ruling tribe of scorpions in the area, announced a groundbreaking treaty signed with the owner of Cabin Anthrax, Jerry Dickerson.
The treaty is believed to be the first of its kind signed between a member of Homo sapiens and a family of predatory arthropods.
Although details have yet to be published, Dickerson outlined the basics for our ace reporter, Bruce “The Coyote” Becker.
“Well, Bruce, after a long and exhausting guerrilla war I think both sides were ready for a truce. The agreement calls for a halt to the hit-and-run tactics practiced by the scorpions that interfered with my nocturnal trips to the bathroom and the cabinet in the kitchen where I store the fig newtons,” said Dickerson. “For weeks I never knew when one of those little dudes would rush out from under the oven and sting the shit out of one of my petite and attractive feet.”
“In return, I have promised to allow the little guys free rein to run around the cabin and eat all the spiders, centipedes, and insects that their little hearts desire. But more importantly, I agreed to stop deporting the illegal young scorpions back across the border into the woods around the house. After Marvin told me about the dangerous conditions in the woods and the abject poverty faced by the young scorpions, how could I object?”
Bruce also interviewed Marvin after sunset from the safety of a dark broom closet.
“We think we have negotiated a great deal here,” said Marvin. “Just because we are a different species you egotistical humans should never underrate our ability to haggle. Late one night one of our scout teams climbed one of Dickerson’s bookshelves and were able to determine from his library and his DVD collection that Dickerson was not only an atheist, but a dyed-in-the-wool bleeding heart liberal.”
“We successfully used that bit of intelligence to feed him some cock-and-bull story about how tough it was for us out in the wild. It had the desired effect of making him feel sorry for our young out there in the ‘real world.’ So now not only have the deportations stopped, but we get to run around murdering and devouring helpless insects and those sub-arthropod arachnids! It’s a win-win for us.”
Other arthropod activist groups have shown keen interest in signing their own treaties with humans. Francis “Segmented” Smith, leader of a tribe of assassin bugs, told the A.P. that they are currently negotiating with the Turtletown Gardeners Club.
Bobby Joe “Bulbous” Baxter, president of the Sunburst Diving Beetle Benevolent Association represents a species of strong-swimming Dytiscid beetles that prey on a variety of aquatic animals by tearing them to shreds with their powerful mandibles. “We feel that we are misunderstood by most humans,” said Baxter. “We’d really like to educate people about life in the water and just how tough it is. We’re confident we can come to a mutually beneficial agreement at some point down the line.”