THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The FAA has banned all flights into and out of Houston’s Hobby and Bush Intercontinental Airports, citing the presence of dangerous Russian-made anti-aircraft missile batteries in the general area.
The airspace in Houston extending out up to 100 miles was closed yesterday after authorities were informed that the pro 2nd Amendment group “Open Carry Texas,” better known to the rest of the country as “A Confederacy of Dunces,” had acquired a Russian army surplus Buk missile system and it had been driven to the nearby Gulf Coast for “testing and training.”
“We’ve all seen what one of these missile systems can do when in the hands of a bunch of drunken Russian rednecks,” said a spokesman for the FAA. “We see no reason to believe that the outcome would be any different when the system is manned by a bunch of our very own drunken rednecks. We decided to err on the side of caution, and we apologize for any inconvenience to air travelers,” said the spokesman.
During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show, the president of Open Carry Texas, C.J. “Small Schlong” Grisham protested that Open Carry Texas was a peaceful organization dedicated to the “exercise and protection of our 2nd Amendment rights, rights that are in danger of being revoked by the Obama administration and the worldwide conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids through the heinous use of flouride in our nation’s water supply.”
“It’s only a matter of time before we see foreigners in blue helmets marching up Pennsylvania Avenue,” said Grisham, as he chugged a glass of refreshing rainwater and pure grain alcohol.
Testing of the new system went ahead without the benefit of a team of Russian instructors sent by the Putin administration. The Russian advisers, who had the formidable task of training a bunch of borderline imbeciles to operate an advanced air-defense system, were detained after trashing a bar at the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.
The Russian team apparently got out of control after imbibing an entire case of Don Cossack Vodka.
“Them Russkies sure know how to party!” said Daisy Airhead, a barmaid at the Drunken Bull Cattle Company on the international concourse. “They was taking off their shirts and doing some kinda crazy dance on top of the bar and all the tables. They was jumpin’ up and down like Messican jumpin’ beans! One of them promised to marry me after they get out of jail. I can’t wait!”
After an arduous journey from New Orleans, the launcher was set up on a beach near Galveston Island and the completely ignorant and untrained personnel from Open Carry launched a few missiles “just for fun.”
The first missile took out a flight of endangered pelicans in route to nesting grounds further up the coast. Grisham justified the murder of the birds to Sean Hannity by saying, “Those pelicans were in fact cartel drug mules transporting heroin across the border in the pouches attached to their lower mandibles.”
The gullible Hannity accepted the explanation but required clarification as to exactly what a “mandible” was.
The second missile loosed by the team of schmucks zoomed over the Gulf in an erratic flight that ended with a detonation over a British Petroleum oil platform, which was set ablaze.
A third missile misfired at first but then careened wildly down the beach taking out several vacationing families before exploding in a barbecue and salt-water taffy stand, causing massive loss of life.
The crack missile team lost one member when he was incinerated while urinating behind the vehicle during the launch sequence.
Although initial testing of their new toy has not turned out exactly as planned, Open Carry Texas hopes that the vehicle will be fully operational for this fall’s Conspiracy Theory Convention held annually at the Dallas Book Depository.
“We really look forward to displaying our extreme sexual insecurity and paranoid delusions at the upcoming national conference in Dallas,” said Grisham. We really want to show the rest of the country what patriotism and love of God and country is all about.”
When asked about the situation in Houston, NRA president Wayne LaPierre only shook his head, rolled his eyes, and slowly walked away from reporters while staring at the ground.