THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The death toll continues to rise in Monday’s “friendly fire” incident along the Texas-Mexico border. While making an aerial inspection of suspected crossing points, Governor Rick Perry (R-TX) apparently discharged a .50 caliber machine gun into the midst of a gathering of Tea Party supporters and amateur Texas border guards.
The Tea Party members were massed at a point along the border where refugee kids from Central and South America regularly turn themselves in to Border Patrol agents.
“We were just here to show how much we love America and shout ugly racial slurs at those children,” said Mildred Mulebutt, a survivor of the massacre.
“We had just set up our signs and popped a few Budweisers when this patrol plane escorted by two helicopter gunships swooped down on us out of the blue. Then some idiot in one of the aircraft started letting us have it with some kind of fucking cannon or something. It was terrifying.”
Zapata County Sheriff R.P. “Fuzzy” Scrotum told Fox News that “We still have not been able to get a solid body count because the Governor turned a lot of these folks into a fine red mist. I’ve been told by the coroner that we have at least 29 Tea Partiers and several members of the South Texas Amateur Border Guards and River Widener’s Club definitely deceased. If you come over here, you can clearly see where the Tea Party folks were standing because of all of these misspelled signs.”
The crew chief for the aircraft in which the governor was traveling told Reuters that “I told that doofus three times to quit fiddling with the weapon, but he insisted on charging it and aiming it at vehicles and pedestrians while making a childlike ‘machine gun’ sound and yelling ‘Get some! Get some!'”
“God help us if that idiot is elected president,” continued the crew chief, who wished to remain anonymous. “He’ll probably be horsing around in the Oval Office and accidentally nuke Belgium or something.”
An aide to Governor Perry called the incident a “tragic accident” and blamed it on Perry leaving his glasses at Billy Bob’s All-You-Can-Eat Fatback Cafe in Squalid Springs, where the group had lunch.
“The governor was trying to aim at a group of starving and desperate illegal children and hit that group of his supporters purely by accident,” said the aide.
A firm body count and casualty list will not be available until the weekend because authorities had to call in army bomb disposal squads to clear several dozen homemade anti-personnel mines planted by the amateur border guards.
Governor Perry is not expected to be charged in the incident because he is covered by the recent “Stand Your Ground and Defend Your Airspace” laws passed by Texas and Florida. The laws protect Caucasian males from prosecution for “discharging any weapon, accidentally or otherwise, into any individual or group of individuals that look weird or unusual to them.”
The incident is expected to have absolutely no effect on Governor Perry’s presidential aspirations, because anyone dumb enough to vote for this bastard is going to do it regardless of how many people he slaughters.