Hamas Leadership Rejects Cease Fire In Favor Of A Thorough Ass-Whipping By The IDF


GAZA CITY (CT&P) -In response to renewed rocket attacks and an attempt by 13 heavily armed Hamas dim wits to infiltrate Israel via tunnels under the border, Israel has launched a ground offensive into Gaza. IDF tanks and armored personnel carriers supported by infantry units crossed the border yesterday and immediately began to kick some serious Hamas ass.

Speaking to reporters from a well-appointed luxury bunker deep beneath the Gaza City Misguided Martyr Middle School and Rocket Depot, Deputy Chairman Abu Marzook, of Hamas’ political bureau, told reporters that “We are not willing to stop our rocket attacks anytime soon. So far only civilians have been killed in Gaza, and we have plenty of them to spare.”

Explosions lit up the sky in the early hours of Friday and residents in several areas of the densely populated strip of 1.8 million Palestinians said they saw numbers of Israeli tanks that had crossed the border from Israel.

A statement from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s office late on Thursday said he had given orders to destroy tunnels that militants use to infiltrate Israel and carry out attacks.

An Israeli military spokesman said Israel was not out to try to topple Hamas.


Hamas spokesman Sami “The Baby Crusher” Zuhri spoke with reporters from the Yasser Arafat School of Beauty

“Our goal is not a new, more insane Palestinian leadership,” said the spokesman. “We just want to make one thing clear to these dullards: If you know what’s good for you, don’t fuck with Bibi.”


Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri, speaking from the Yasser Arafat School of Beauty and Nerve Gas Production, responded with defiance to Israel’s invasion announcement, telling Reuters: “We warn Netanyahu of the dreadful consequences of such a foolish act. We will turn Israel into a wasteland with our endless supply of deadly rockets. Granted, they seem to be suffering from some kind of software glitch that has made 95% of them absolutely harmless, but we hope to clear up this problem sometime next week.”

Although a multitude of diplomats from all over the world are trying to broker some sort of cease-fire or truce in Cairo, there is little optimism for an early end to hostilities in the conflict.

“The Hamas leadership is just having too much fun launching all those rockets,” said Swiss official, on the condition of anonymity. “Zuhri told me that Hamas intends to keep firing rockets ‘until the camels come home.'”

A Hamas militant in charge of a rocket team told Reuters that “I haven’t had this much fun since Dad took us kids to Crazy Muhammad’s Fireworks and Explosive Vests in Rafah. This is great!”

Meanwhile, religious leaders around the world continued to offer up prayers for a swift and peaceful resolution to the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians.

“One thing that this conflict makes perfectly clear is that religion is our only hope of lasting peace on earth,” said Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association, an organization that promotes fundamentalist Christian values.

“We just have to persevere and believe that this senseless slaughter is the will of our benevolent and omniscient Creator, and God’s plan will become evident in time,” said Fischer.

Bryan Fischer is not exactly renowned for ability to reason.





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