BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, (CT&P) – A two year old Great Dane named Truly expressed her “deep and sincere regret” for actions taken Wednesday afternoon while her Mom was out working in the yard trying to prepare her home for sale.
It seems that Truly was lying on the sofa snoozing when she detected an odor emanating from one of the sofa cushions.
“I could recognize the smell of pepperoni from a minor pizza spill that happened when Mom was watching World War Z and got a little over excited when Brad Pitt took off his shirt,” said Truly. “All I wanted to do was to pitch in and help make the house presentable for potential buyers. I really meant no harm, I swear.”
If Truly’s story is to be believed, she began by licking the area on the cushion extensively in an attempt to remove the offending odor. This effort being unsuccessful, she then made the mistake of using her prodigious canine teeth. One thing led to another, and the end result was the wanton destruction of yet another valuable piece of furniture.
“According to my estimates, Truly has consumed or destroyed just under $30,000 worth valuables and everyday goods since she was a small puppy,” said Truly’s Mom, who wished to remain anonymous lest Federal officials place Truly on some terrorist watch list.
“It started with shoes, socks, television remotes, and other small items but as Truly grew up things like our toaster oven, car batteries, and a set of jumper cables began to disappear,” said Mom. “The list of irreplaceable items is long; an antique china cabinet, my good silver, and a portrait of my great-great grandmother have all been destroyed or gone missing.”
“One day I made the mistake of leaving Truly in the garage for fifteen minutes and set of brand new of Goodyear radial tires ended up in her digestive tract. We still can’t find the lawn tractor, the diving board, or the fifty pound bag of chlorine pellets for the pool. It’s miracle that she’s still alive. I mean, she must have the immune system of a Komodo dragon!”
“I really love Truly with all my heart and I just don’t know what to do,” continued the distraught mother. “We fitted her with a titanium muzzle but one day when we got home from the store she had removed it and buried it somewhere in the backyard. God knows where it is. One of my neighbors suggested that we send her to Guantanamo for a week of ‘re-education’ but when I contacted officials down there they told me that the facilities were only designed to hold hardened terrorists and Truly would find a way out in no time. The situation seems hopeless.”
Although this incident is just one in a long line of similar catastrophes, Mom’s State Farm Agent, Billy Bob McSneed, assured her that the damage was covered under her policy and Truly’s swathe of destruction had not yet reached “Acts of God or wartime obliteration’ levels yet.
“I think the best course of action for Mom here is to find a nice U.S. Army armored division for Truly to join. It’s just too much for any homeowner to handle, living with a 150 lb locust on steroids roaming about the house,” said McsSneed.
We’ll do our best to keep you updated on further developments and in the meantime, if anyone has any suggestions, such as coating the entire home with capsicum oil, please don’t hesitate to email us.