THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to the Scott reelection campaign told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis yesterday that the governor experimented with several types of hallucinogens while on a state-funded visit to Central and South America last week.
Governor Scott surprised lawmakers and constituents alike by taking time off from his official duties of denying black people the vote and derailing Medicare fraud investigations to hurriedly plan the trip just after the Hobby Lobby decision came down from the Supreme Court.
The tour was ostensibly taken in order to promote business and cultural exchange between Central and South American countries and the state of Florida. However, aides to Governor Scott told Snetterton-Lewis that Scott took the opportunity to visit several remote Indian tribes deep in the rain forest in order to observe and in some cases take part in religious rituals conducted by some of the most popular and sought-after shamans in the region.
Almost all the events that Scott attended included the ritual consumption of hallucinogenics or dissociatives administered by tribal elders or priests in order to help the participant achieve a higher plane of reality or deep meditative state.
“He really had one hell of a good time on that trip,” said an aide, on the condition that he remain anonymous. “In fact you could say that he had several excellent trips within the larger overall trip.”
The purpose behind Scott’s bizarre behavior only came to light after Snetterton-Lewis found another aide willing to talk about Scott’s long-term plans in case he loses the upcoming election to Democrat contender Charlie Crist.
Having had a bad experience in the health care business (600 million in Medicare fraud) Scott apparently plans to found his own church based loosely on a conglomeration of different mystic religions and voodoo cults. He plans on building a mega-church near the Ebro Dog Track just outside Panama City Beach, Florida, where he hopes to attract a congregation of wealthy business owners seeking to deny all medical care to their employees.
“It’s his way of giving back to the corporate interests that have funded his campaigns and slush funds used to push through legislation that hurt the average citizens of Florida,” said the aide.
Sources say that the name of the new religion has not yet been determined, but possibilities include The First Church of SCOTUS, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Tumors, and Our Lady of the Untreated Carcinoma.
Scott has however, decided on a slogan that he thinks will really attract the kind of congregation he is courting:
“Doctors? We don’t need no stinking doctors!”