THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held at the River Styx Motor Inn in East Hell this morning, Satan, Lord of the Underworld, told reporters that he was “pleased and gratified” by the Republican Party’s response to the current situation on the U.S. southern border. “I’m truly delighted with what GOP politicians and pundits have had to say about those poor helpless kids trying to escape violence and abject poverty in their home countries. As you know hypocrisy is something we value above all else down here,” said the Prince of Darkness.
The flow of unaccompanied kids at the border has increased over recent months, and estimates are hovering around 50,000 for children and teenagers detained since Oct 1st of last year. The vast majority of the kids are from Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador.
The unfortunate kids are often encouraged and assisted by parents, who see little or no future for the kids in Central America. Fleeing violence, poverty, drug gangs and forced prostitution, the kids and their relatives are desperate and many are in pitiful condition.
Although 50,000 children trying to cross one of its borders should not constitute an existential crisis for the greatest country the world has ever seen, GOP politicians and pundits have tried mightily to turn the situation into catastrophe on par with the Great Depression or the Black Plague.
Texas governor and renowned intellectual Rick Perry has intimated on several occasions that President Obama has engineered the crisis. “We either have an incredibly inept administration, or they’re in on this somehow or another,” said the scholarly Perry on ABC’s “This Week.” “I mean I hate to be conspiratorial, but I mean how do you move that many people from Central America across Mexico and then into the United States without there being a fairly coordinated effort?”
Mental giant Sarah Palin has also had a great deal to say about the “crisis.” In an amateur video that looked like something produced by The Onion, Palin presented a rambling, incoherent argument for some sort of weird conspiracy to dissolve the United States as we know it. According to Palin, President Obama is opening our borders for political gain and because he just hates this country so much.
“Without borders, there is no nation. Obama knows this. Opening our borders to a flood of illegal immigrants is deliberate. This is his fundamental transformation of America,” said Palin, who apparently learned her civics and history at the same place as Michele Bachmann.
To add fuel to the fire, Fox News and conservative radio talk show hosts around the country have been portraying the kids as being like a giant host of diseased rats carrying a plague virus, just chomping at the bit to invade the U.S. and infect us all with life threatening diseases.
All of this ridiculous political gamesmanship has Mephistopheles and his minions beside themselves with joy.
Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary, told USA Today that “It’s a real hoot to see the party that touts Christian values treating these innocent kids like they were vermin. We haven’t had this much fun since all those Republican governors denied health care to poor people in an attempt to derail Obamacare. Biblical principles my ass! These guys would sell their mother’s souls if it meant a tax break for the 1%. We love ’em down here.”
Reached for comment at the Pearly Gates, Jesus of Nazareth told a reporter for CNN that “The entire situation makes me nauseous. It’s like the entire New Testament was a wasted effort. I mean, when I said ‘suffer the little children’ I did NOT mean pack them like sardines into warehouses in San Antonio. And what’s all this crap about guns? You’d think that some of those religious ‘patriots’ in Texas could take a little cash out of their assault weapon budgets to help these kids out. I’m disgusted.”
Although the numbers of kids turning themselves in at the border continues to rise, there is little hope that any solution will be found during this decade, as GOP politicians would rather blame Obama than do anything constructive.