THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) Luis Suarez has been “born again” and signed a deal to join Our Lord and Savior, Lionel Messi, at Barcelona next season. Barcelona purchased the part-time cannibal for £75m from Liverpool.
The only potential barrier to the deal’s completion is the need for the striker to pass a medical but that, as with the finalization of personal terms, is expected to be a mere formality. By early next week Suárez, who has already passed a preliminary examination from a Barça club doctor in Montevideo, should be rubber stamped in a five-year deal.
“As long as we don’t find an inordinately large percentage of human flesh in his digestive tract he’s good to go,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo, Barcelona’s team physician.
Suarez will join the club as part of an already formidable attack featuring the Apostle Neymar, Saint Pedro Rodríguez, and of course the Prince of Pitch and goal-scoring Messiah, Leo Messi.
Suarez bid farewell to Liverpool and its incredible fans by saying: “Both me and my family have fallen in love with this club and with the city but most of all I have fallen in love with the incredible fans. You have always supported me and we, as a family, will never forget it, we will always be Liverpool supporters.”
“However, I don’t think that anyone can deny the cuisine available on the Iberian peninsula is superior. I always thought that one of the major causes of my insatiable craving for human flesh was the horrific English food. How much of that crap can you eat before you lose your mind? I just can’t fathom what you people are thinking about. I mean Jesus Christ, fish and chips, bangers and mash, toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, spotted dick, the list goes on and on! Spotted dick? Are you serious?”
Suarez’ family already lives in Barcelona so the move will not be a traumatic one, and most analysts predicted that he would end up there or at Real Madrid this season.
The addition of the borderline sociopath to the Barcelona attack will make the already much-feared disciples of Messi that much harder to beat. Details of Suarez’ suspension for his latest barbaric attempt to eat an opposing player are yet to be worked out because his lawyer is appealing FIFA’s “draconian” penalty.
Opposing teams in La Liga are scrambling to vaccinate their defensive players against rabies and distemper in time for next month’s start of the season.