THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -According to a South Korean defense official, who requested anonymity lest he be “disappeared” by spies, North Korea launched three short-range ballistic missiles Wednesday morning in a continuation of a recent series of missile and rocket test launches. The missiles were aimed “in the general direction of Los Angeles,” but because the missiles only had a range of about 300 miles, Pentagon officials did not feel that the tests constituted much of a threat.
The missiles, presumed to be part of the ridiculously unreliable Scud series, were fired from southwest Hwanghae province and flew across the country. One of the missiles tumbled harmlessly into the sea, while another took out a North Korean fishing vessel and its entire crew. The third missile flew in lazy circles slowly gaining altitude before changing course and plunging into a large crowd of civilian “volunteers” drafted to observe the glorious test from nearby grandstands.
So far there are no estimates as to how many starving civilians were vaporized.
North Korea has conducted an unusually large number of test-firings of missiles, artillery and rockets since earlier this year. South Korean officials have confirmed about 90 such firings by North Korea since Feb. 21 and 10 of them have been ballistic launches, according to Seoul’s Defense Ministry.
Analysts theorize that the North’s missile and rocket launches are a message to its neighbors and Washington not to interfere in its buildup of nuclear bombs and other defense capabilities. However, another series of launches this spring have been confirmed to be the result of Supreme Beloved Beautiful Well-Endowed Gracious Leader Kim Jong-un’s continuing struggle with irritable bowel syndrome, so no one is ready to say for sure just what the fuck the North Koreans are up to.
“We never really know why they conduct these idiotic tests,” said an anonymous South Korean general. “It seems like the only way these morons know how to express themselves is through rocket launches and attacks on South Korean fishing trawlers. It’s really embarrassing.”
According to officials in the Ministry of Tourism and Medieval Torture, the Dear Beloved All-Knowing Sympathetic Graceful Optimistic Leader enjoyed a dinner of stewed goat and Tsingtao beer with three of his wives in order to settle his stomach after the failed test.
The next series of tests is scheduled for early August, assuming the defense ministry can find any engineers who are not suffering from radiation poisoning.