THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – Team Germany eviscerated a highly-touted Brazil today by a score of 7-1 at Estádio Mineirão, Belo Horizonte. The semi final victory was one of the greatest defeats in World Cup history.
Brazil, completely disorganized on defense, surrendered five goals in the first 29 minutes and did not score until the match’s 90th minute. The Brazil captain and best defender, Thiago Silva, was out because of a yellow-card suspension, but that did not even begin to explain the comprehensive failure of the entire team in a defeat that forever changes the world’s perception of Brazilian soccer.
In effect, the game was over in less than 30 minutes, which sets a new record for German conquest of a foreign power. The old record was Germany’s subjugation of the Netherlands in 1940, which took six days.
When contacted for comment, the coach of the 1940 team, Field Marshal Erich von Manstein told the Times that although he was disappointed to see his old record fall, “I am proud of our boys and what they accomplished today. We controlled the vital lines of supply through the midfield and conducted well-coordinated lightning attacks on their defense, which consisted of out of date fixed fortifications.”
“Those Brazilian defenders looked like a bunch of Polish cavalrymen charging our tanks,” von Manstein chuckled. “I have high hopes that we can go all the way and achieve world domination, something that eluded us in the 40’s. I wish the boys the best of luck, and hopefully our domination will last 1000 years!”
The field marshal then raised a beer and broke into a guttural version of “Deutschland, Deutschland über alles“