THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – At press conference this morning on the banks of the River Styx, Satan told reporters that he was “annoyed, and more than a little pissed off” with Belgium coach Marc Wilmots for not coming up with a more intelligent game plan against Argentina.
“Yeah well, I’m annoyed as hell,” said Satan. “All we did was chase those damn Christians all over the field and we seemed to have no real plan of attack. We looked disorganized and unable to maintain possession of the ball, and possession is supposed to be one of our specialties!”
The quarter-final match was in effect decided in the eighth minute by the Apostle Gonzalo Higuaín’s half volley off a deflected pass. The goal was made possible by Our Savior Lionel Messi charging the defense and drawing Belgian defenders to him like Roman soldiers to a weekend picnic and crucifixion.
The Argentines then used their superior ball handling abilities to fend off the spawn of Satan for the next eighty minutes plus stoppage time. Belgium pushed forward throughout the rest of the game but was lacking in offensive fluency, often resorting to floated crosses that Argentina’s defense cleared with relative ease. Except for a last-minute flurry of desperate shots, the Belgians offered no real threat to the Soldiers of God.
The next opponent for the Messiah and his disciples will be the largely agnostic thugs from the Netherlands, featuring the demon-possessed midfielder Arjen Robben. The game is scheduled to be played Wednesday at Arena Corinthians, São Paulo at 4:00 Eastern.
The loss knocked Belgium out of the tournament.
When asked about Messi’s performance in the tournament so far, Satan said “Look, I know he’s the Son of God and all, and he’s been trained by the Inquisition in Barcelona since he was 13, but he’s only one man! If we can’t come up with a game plan to neutralize one man’s influence then I don’t hold out much hope for the future.”
“I swear to God I don’t know what to do with this coach,” said an exasperated Satan. “I give him all the young talent anyone could want, and we get a disappointing result like this. I mean, holy shit, most of our opponents don’t even believe in evolution! If we can’t even defeat a bunch of morons and dim wits then we might as well give up.”
Coach Wilmots’ contract with Mephistopheles and the Red Devils is not up for another 25 years, so a buyout seems unlikely. He is currently receiving two soccer cleats full of gold each month for services rendered to the Belgian team.