THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CP&T) – At a press conference shortly after the conclusion of the Italy vs Uruguay World Cup match, creator and champion of the nutritional drink Soylent Rob Rhinehart announced that Liverpool soccer superstar Luis Suarez will join the Soylent team as spokesman and vice president of marketing.
The position will no doubt help fill in the gap left in Suarez’s income that he will suffer because of his attempt to devour Italian player Giorgio Chiellini. The incident is the third in a series of biting incidents involving Suarez.
Suarez’s thirst for human flesh is thought to be the result of his upbringing in Salto, Uruguay. As a child, Luis was forced to consume several siblings and schoolmates in order to stay alive. Although Suarez has used his incredible physical talent to become a wealthy and successful soccer player, he still retains some of the savagery present in his youth.
“Once you taste human flesh, there’s really no turning back,” said Dr. Frank Black, of the Cannibal and Headhunter Anti-Defamation League. “Luis can’t be blamed for these urges. I expect FIFA and other football organizations to try to make him a scapegoat, but plenty of people have endured that kind of unwarranted criticism and risen to great heights in society.”
“We intend to back Luis 100% whether he is on the pitch or on television promoting liquified human flesh.”
The biting incident just occurred hours ago, so there is no telling what FIFA’s investigation may find, but no one expects Suarez to appear again in this World Cup, unless it is at one of the refreshment stands in the stadium offering human pot stickers or at the popular Brazilian steak house chain, Donner’s Biped Cattle Company.