HATTIESBURG, MS (CT&P) – Circuit court Judge Horace Ungulate III has ordered Senator Thad Cochran (R-MS) to seek therapy after the senator admitted to “doing all sorts of indecent things with animals” in his youth.
The weird confession occurred while Senator Cochran was addressing a group of supporters at Forrest General Hospital in Hattiesburg.
“I grew up coming down here for Christmas,” he said. “My father’s family was here. My mother’s family was from rural Hinds County in Utica.”
“It was fun, it was an adventure to be out there in the country and to see what goes on,” he said of his boyhood visits to Hattiesburg. “Picking up pecans, from that to all kinds of indecent things with animals.”
The audience chuckled.
“And I know some of you know what that is,” Cochran said
The comments caused quite a stir on the internet and with voters in the area that graduated from high school.
Although technically illegal, bestiality is rarely prosecuted in Mississippi. “The problem is that the legislature has had a very difficult time determining just what the definition of ‘beast’ really is,” said Republican state senator Robert “Bobby” Bovine from Tupelo.
“If the definition is too vague, we could have sheriff’s deputies arresting couples from trailer parks all over the state. Then again, if we limit the definition of ‘beast’ to cows, goats, and sheep, we are gonna incarcerate a large percentage of our core supporters.”
Although Cochran’s lawyer read a statement in court in which the senator denied remembering making any “odd statements about animals” at the meeting, Judge Ungulate was unmoved.
“We have enough unenlightened weirdos and dim wits in American politics already,” said Ungulate. “The fact that the senator can’t remember what the fuck he said is all the more reason he needs to be hospitalized.
The episode, along with the demise of Eric Cantor, has boosted primary challenger Chris McDaniel, another in a long line of Tea Party kooks, to an eight point lead in the race with only about week left before election day.