THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what some church officials are calling a “miracle on par with the parting of the Red Sea,” Almighty God replaced House Majority Leader Eric Cantor with an obscure economics professor from Randolph-Macon this week.
It seems that for the first time in several hundred years, God suspended the laws of physics, logic, common sense, and modern scientific polling to allow David Brat, a political newcomer, to beat the house leader by over ten percentage points in Virginia’s 7th District Republican primary race.
While many political analysts and talking heads say that Cantor’s unhealthy infatuation with beef played a role, most of those “in the know” put the majority of blame for Cantor’s shocking loss on his attempt to help the children of illegal immigrants, and the subsequent loss of support it precipitated in divine circles.
“Everyone knows how much God hates illegal immigrants and their kids,” said Walter Dullard, a Tea Party strategist. “Cantor showed a recklessness and lack of foresight unusual in a seasoned politician.”
“His desire to help the innocent kids of illegals angered the Lord as well as his constituents, and paved the way for this miracle,” said Dullard.
During his acceptance speech Tuesday night Brat acknowledged that his victory was indeed a “miracle from God.” He went out of his way to praise the deity by reading several Bible verses in hopes that he can retain divine support for future reelection campaigns.
Satan, Lord of the Underworld and Prince of Darkness, normally a strong supporter of Tea Party candidates, offered Brat no help in the election.
“We wanted to sit this one out and see what happened,” said Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary. “As long as God is preoccupied with the midterms and local races, his attention is drawn away from things like worldwide hunger, war, environmental destruction, climate change, natural disasters, genocide, and the like. We’re left to ‘do our thing’ without any interference from ‘upstairs.'”
Although Brat has no experience in politics and the quagmire of stupidity that is Washington D.C., he told reporters that “Ignorance and an overall lack of intelligence has never been an obstacle in American politics, and I look forward to a long and financially fruitful career in the nation’s capital.”