THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Fed up and disgusted with the natural beauty and abundant wildlife in the region, North Carolina politicians have pushed a bill through the legislature that would allow fracking throughout the state. The bill was signed into law today by Republican Governor Pat “Scorched Earth” McCory.
The technology has led to a nationwide boom in domestic gas production, and North Carolina is believed to have untapped reserves of shale gas in a massive underground rock formation. In 2012, regulators estimated the state had 83 million barrels of natural gas liquids, or roughly a five-year supply for the state.
A 2012 North Carolina law cleared the way for fracking to begin, but called for a separate vote after rules were drafted to protect the environment. The new law allows permits to be issued without further legislative action two months after state regulations are completed, likely early next year.
The new law also expressly forbids local governments to ban fracking and makes it illegal to reveal just what the fuck kind of chemicals are being injected into the earth all over the state.
“We have watched and waited as other states moved forward with energy exploration, and it is finally our turn,” said Governor McCrory. “This legislation will spur economic development at all levels of our economy, not just the energy sector.”
“We sincerely hope that we can join other states that are rapidly poisoning their drinking water supplies and creating a blight on their landscapes with all those hideous fracking rigs,” continued McCory, whose gloved left hand began to exhibit a slight tremor. “I mean, the amount of gas we hope to recover is not that large, but the political benefits could be enormous, and we get to destroy some pristine environments and kill a lot of wildlife in the process. It’s a big ‘win-win-win’ for everyone involved!”
Fracking opponents say the drilling practice contaminates groundwater and air, among other problems. State Representative Pricey Harrison, a Democrat, said the extra vote required by the earlier law was a crucial safeguard.
“We promised the people of North Carolina we were not going to move forward with fracking until we have rules in place to protect the public health and the environment,” said Harrison. “This bill violates that promise.”
However, House Speaker Thom “Reign of Terror” Tillis, the Republican seeking to unseat Democratic U.S. Senator Kay Hagan this fall, said the change was needed to jump-start exploration in the state.
“We need to get the industry interested in doing the research and necessary steps to really determine the extent to which this is a viable industry in North Carolina,” Tillis said last week. “What we’re trying to do is provide certainty to the industry.”
“We hope that this new legislation will do for North Carolina what strip mining and mountain top removal has done for West Virginia,” said Tillis. “I don’t know about you, but I am sick to fucking death of seeing postcards of breathtaking mountains views, beautiful streams, and gorgeous lakes. All they do is bring tourists into our state. What we really need is a few jobs that will last a couple of years until the supply of natural gas is used up. Then we’ll be left with some nice Superfund sites that will bring in some federal cash. Who knows, maybe we can even get some contracts to store spent nuclear fuel within some of our old national parks!”
The bill passed over protests from local governments and property owners all over the state who are concerned about the effects of fracking on fish and wildlife, as well as the state’s natural beauty.
When asked what happened to the old Ronald Reagan Republican Party that wanted to return power to local government, Governor McCrory replied, “Listen, politics today is ruled by cash, and cash only. The Supreme Court made sure of that. We politicians have one major goal, and that’s reelection. To hell with everything else, and that damn sure includes the environment! Who gives a shit what this place looks like 50 years from now? I’ll be long dead by then.”
The legislature is also considering a variety of other job-friendly bills that would allow strip mining in western parts of the state, oil rigs within 500 yards of the state’s beaches, above ground nuclear testing in the Piedmont region, and a complete defoliation of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park using a mixture of Agent Orange and radioactive isotopes of caesium.