Progressive Texas Law Helps Provide Firearms For The Mentally Challenged



THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A law that just went into effect last month in Texas provides funds for a new statewide program called “Cannons for Cretins.” The pilot program assists Texas residents who are illiterate or otherwise too mentally challenged to successfully complete the necessary paperwork for owning a firearm.

From now on, every firearms dealer will have a state employee who graduated from at least sixth grade on premises at all times to guide applicants through the approval process. The form consists of a single sheet of paper and requires the applicant to declare his or her age, sex, and most recent felonies. The applicant may sign with a simple “X” if that is all he can manage.


“Cannons for Cretins” helped Warner V. Numbnuts III get the assault rifle he always lusted after. Shunned in high school because of his poor taste in attire and malodorous emissions, Warner now suffers from low self-esteem. Ownership of an AK-47 with a thirty-round clip and depleted uranium ammunition has seemed to help. Here he is seen shopping for hydrocortisone cream to help relieve the pain of genital sores he picked up while working on a goat farm last summer.

The program also helps the less fortunate purchase higher-end assault rifles and sidearms that they would not otherwise be able to afford. Volunteers are being sought to drive those who are too poor to own a truck or who could not pass their driver’s license exam to gun shows or weapons dealers so that the critical purchases can be made.

“The mentally challenged make up a large percentage of our population here in Texas, and it’s high time we did something to help them realize the dream of gun ownership,” said Representative Joe “Scrotum Face” McConnell of Muleshoe. “This new program will help dim wits, dullards, fruitcakes, pin heads, and imbeciles get the weapons they deserve.”


“Cannons for Cretins” helped Gertie “Ma” Barker buy a huge, deadly sidearm along with thousands of rounds of hollow point ammunition. Before she got help from the new program she could only afford a rusty Revolutionary War blunderbuss. “You don’t know how heartbreaking it is to tell your kids they’ll get no supper because Mommy has to buy ball bearings and black powder. I’m in debt to our brave politicians,” said Barker, seen here shopping for bread and water at Walmart.

“That’s right,” said Representative Charles Whitman Jr. of Fort Worth. “No one can say that we don’t care about our ‘less fortunate’ citizens here in Texas. Morons, idiots, simpletons, retards, and even ignorant twits all across the state will now have their self-esteem boosted by gun ownership.”

Opponents of the bill argued that since most of the citizens the new law was supposed to “help” did not have the sense to come out of the rain it may not be such a good idea to arm them with assault rifles and high-capacity magazines.

Governor and part-time presidential candidate Rick Perry, who supported the bill, brushed objections to the law aside and called them “nonsense.”

“We take the 2nd Amendment seriously here in Texas and we are gonna arm every son of a bitch we can with the most modern firearms available. We have to prepare for the coming race war and defend ourselves against the evils of the federal government. They’ve already shoved equal treatment for negras and Messicans down our throats. We aren’t going to stand by and let ’em make gay marriage and abortion legal in Texas. We intend to fight!”

Politicians in several other “Bible Belt” states are discussing similar programs and have sent aides to Texas to observe the effects of the new law and to get advice from the bill’s sponsors.



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