THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Frustrated with his plummeting ratings and lack of relevance in modern America, Fox News host Bill O’Reilly went berserk on his show Thursday night and accused a wide variety of famous and influential individuals of harboring “Muslim sympathies.” O’Reilly devoted an entire segment of his show to ponderously reading a list of people, both living and dead, who “looked Muslim” and therefore posed a “very real threat” to American democracy.
Included on the list were several Bible prophets such as Ezekiel, Malachi, Isaiah, as well as New Testament personalities Saul of Tarsus and Jesus of Nazareth. Many former American presidents such as Abraham Lincoln were also on the list.
“We simply cannot sit idly by and let people who might be devoted to some weirdo cult have any influence in America,” said O’Reilly. “I’m here to protect you folks and I won’t let you down. When have I ever been wrong before? The answer is NEVER!”
“I have here in my hand a list of 205 Quran-carrying, Muslim-looking state department officials that are roaming about our country free to influence our culture in any way they wish, and they have to be stopped,” raved O’Reilly as he waved a stack of Chinese take-out menus in front of the camera.
“Why, I saw Secretary of State John Kerry get off a plane in D.C. last week with stubble on his cheeks. It’s only a matter of time before we become an Islamic republic just like Iran!”
O’Reilly went on to warn his aging and decrepit viewers that “Our way of life is at stake. If we want to maintain our out-of-date ideas about religion, science and politics, we have to act swiftly and marginalize anyone who is not a Christian!”
O’Reilly’s list also included TV personalities such as Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson and several popular bands such as ZZ Top, among others.
Strangely, O’Reilly also accused New York’s entire population of Hasidic Jews of harboring Muslim sympathies. “These people are hiding behind one religion while secretly plotting our takeover by another one,” said O’Reilly, who by this point was rolling a couple of ball bearings around in his hand.
O’Reilly concluded the broadcast by attempting to reassure the public that just because he had a list of evildoers, it didn’t mean that he had anything against Muslims per se. “Why, some of my best friends are Muslims, and they are welcome in my home anytime, as long as they’re not gay,” said O’Reilly.
Meanwhile, O’Reilly’s numbers continue to plummet as more and more of his senescent audience assumes room temperature. Rumors that O’Reilly suffered brain damage in a fall while chasing a female intern around his set were flatly denied by management, and it remains to be seen when Roger Ailes will unceremoniously throw the pompous fossil off the air as he did the unhinged conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck. As we have seen in the past, it does not take long for Ailes to act once someone becomes a liability.