ATLANTA (CT&P) – “I stand behind what our team did,” said Sheriff Joey “Kilgore” Terrell of Habersham County Georgia, referring to a 3:00 a.m. no-knock SWAT raid in which a 19-month-old child was severely burned by a flash-bang grenade. “There’s nothing to investigate, there’s nothing to look at,” continued the sheriff, relaying the conclusions of the County DA’s office and the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. “Bad things can happen. That’s just the world we live in.”
The raid was carried out as part of state-wide pilot program called “Operation Crib Death.” The initiative is federally funded through the now infamous Patriot Act. Although the cash has been around for a while, Georgia is the first state to actually take advantage of it. The program seeks to “stop drug abuse before it starts” by severely maiming or murdering infants, toddlers, and preschoolers in order to “set an example” of just how dangerous drugs can be.
A spokesman for the GBI told reporters that the raid was an overall success and more “no-knock” warrants and illegal wiretaps will be used in the future. “Listen, the constitution is clear: government has the right to use any force necessary to determine where you live, who you marry, and what you put in your body,” said Corporal Mark “Napalm” Nabob. “We may not be able to regulate firearms in this country, but we can damn sure regulate everything else!”
The SWAT team involved in the raid that burned the unfortunate infant will be decorated for its brave and decisive action later this week. Singled out for special recognition will be Billy “Fastball” Baker, the courageous officer who actually managed to hit the crib dead center with a stun grenade while cowering behind a bulletproof shield.
“Billy showed exemplary aim and a cool head,” said Sheriff Terrell. “I don’t know three other guys in the southeast that could have made that shot. He’ll get a case of beer for that one!”
The pilot program that Georgia is using to incinerate its youth was initiated earlier this year as a result of frustration over the abysmal failure of the “War On Drugs” to do anything but make the problem much worse. “We’ve tried stealing drug user’s cars and homes, seizing their cash, killing their dogs and cats, imprisoning them longer than we do murderers and pedophiles, hell, we even shot a great-grandmother to death down in Atlanta, and nothing seems to work,” said Jimmy “Scorched Earth” Johnson of the DEA.
“So a bunch of us got together for a golf weekend and brainstorming retreat and we came up with this new program. We thought, well, there is nothing worse on the planet than people doing drugs in the privacy of their own homes, so if they wind up dead, we’re really doing them a favor,” said Johnson.
“That’s right,” added Corporal Nabob, “job number one of law enforcement has to be keeping kids off drugs, and if it means killing a few of them to set a good example, well, that’s what I call ‘tough love.'”
Although the program’s effectiveness has not yet been judged by experts, local law enforcement agencies all over the country are lining up to receive funding. The money will be used to purchase grenades with a greater “kill radius,” flamethrowers, drones armed with Hellfire missiles, and in the case of larger cities such as Los Angeles and New York, tactical nuclear missiles.
“Hopefully, this will make all the money we have spent to imprison our own citizens and ruin so many lives finally worthwhile,” said Johnson. “The ‘War On Drugs’ will never be over, but at least Operation Crib Death will save a few innocent children from the evils of drugs, even if it does kill them.”