THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A new bill introduced in the U.S. House of Representatives will make grant money and guaranteed federal loans available for men infatuated with guns and obsessed with inflicting pain on innocent wildlife. The bill, H.R. 6666, will provide funds for cosmetic surgery and enhancement of genitalia for men considered too poor to pay for the changes themselves.
Representative John Conyers (D-MI) and Eliot Engel (D-N.Y. ) introduced the bill in a desperate attempt to try to at least slow down the number of mass shootings and gun related deaths in the United States.
“In 2015, gun related deaths are projected to surpass the number of traffic fatalities for the first time in our history,” said Conyers, at a press conference on Capitol Hill. “We know from many scientific studies that the insecurity caused by having a short penis or small testicles is the driving force behind many of these guy’s blood lust and fascination with firearms, and we want to help these guys out.”
“That’s right,” said Engel. “We now have the technology to attack the root problem, and we would be remiss if we didn’t provide funds for men who are just too poor to seek help on their own. Everyone with any sense at all knows that any individual who enjoys watching animals writhe in pain and succumb to their wounds is lacking something not only upstairs, but downstairs as well.”
“We realize that most of our recent mass shootings have been carried out by psychotics who should never have been sold guns in the first place, and they are beyond help. However, there are other groups that could benefit from treatment, both physical and mental. After cosmetic and genital enhancement surgery many of these dudes will regain the feeling of security and self-confidence that they lost early in life. These guys will be walking around feeling like they have a couple of bowling balls in a marble sack, which should help to eliminate their sense of self-doubt.”
The bill, dubbed “The Male Genital Enhancement Act of 2014” will also provide funds for the design and production of flak jackets for deer, bear, raccoons, and a variety of other wildlife.
In a controversial move, Carolyn McCarthy (D-N.Y.) has added an amendment to the bill that would place Israeli-manufactured robotic machine guns like the ones used along the Gaza Strip in strategic locations in national forests and in areas where wildlife is threatened. The amendment would also provide money for MAARS systems to patrol wildlife sanctuaries. Both systems would be fully armed and set up to return the fire of any hunters in the area.
“These guys are always yapping about how they love a challenge, so let’s see how many of them will go out on a weekend hunt when there’s a possibility that something is going to shoot back at them,” said McCarthy, in an interview with Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who has already had one minor stroke over the bill.
The bill will no doubt face rabid opposition from the NRA and various right wingers, but then again any attempt to do anything at all about the senseless slaughter of humans and animals alike in this country has met the same oppugnancy.
“We are the only country on earth that suffers these mass shootings on a regular basis, and there is a growing consensus out there that something has to be done,” said McCarthy. “This bill will be a good start. We’ll be helping out both needy men and innocent animals.”
No word yet on when the bill will actually be introduced.